I Believe Video Posted

Our submission to the SIRM 2013 contest to win IVF. Voting will be open from November 18th until December 1st at http://haveababy.com/believe-2013-videos/
Please share our video and vote for us if you like it!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkuG1LyLK0I&feature=youtu.be

Just Checking In!

Well hello there!! Long time, no see!! Anyone following along, we've officially reached one year with no fertility treatments. It's really been a lot easier to reach that "anniversary" than I expected. I feel like the hard part is over. It was devastating in the beginning, I didn't want to be on break. I didn't want to be wasting more time, seeing others announce their pregnancy while i'm twiddling my thumbs. Or at least trying! Doing something. I'm not sure where things got better, I can't really pinpoint that moment. But somewhere in early spring I realized that If we can't TTC right now, we should use this time the best we can. I needed to heal, to get into a better mindset before we try again. I was neglecting a lot of things because of my devotion to all things TTC and fertility related. I was avoiding some things because sometimes they hurt!! 

I missed a lot of baby showers because I just couldn't make myself go. So many holidays and family gatherings that should have been enjoyable, really weren't because above all else, I wanted to share those moments with my child. I wanted to see my baby in their Easter dress, I wanted to be watching them run around with their cousins at the 4th of July BBQ (or crawl! or just lay there looking all cute in their red, white, &blue). I wanted to be taking my child trick or treating, not just look at all the other cute kids in costumes. And most of all, I wanted it to be my baby enjoying their first Christmas. I don't think that ache every really goes away. But I wanted to work on my response to that feeling and my ability to NOT let it ruin everything. I wanted to reconnect with my friends and family, even the ones with children. I wanted to get my life back. I started making myself go out more and do things. Start going on date nights more. Not decline invitations to go grab lunch with a friend or accompany them and their niece to Build-A-Bear. Meet up with friends to eat at Applebees, (even though their baby is with them). Things like that. I feel like I've made some progress and i'm in a much better place than I was.

 I also really buckled down on the weight loss. I guess with my neurotic tendencies, I need an obsession! I had gained back up to 200lbs at some point in early summer. I was struggling and I decided to get one month of phentermine (adipex) from my doctor to help me kick things back into gear. I skipped days here and there and that script lasted me way more than one month, but it was the confidence booster that I needed. I knew that on a tough day, I could take it and not eat everything in sight. I started doing a walking/aerobic DVD with a co-worker daily. We were doing 5 miles a day at one point and I was doing great on my water intake finally. Im currently down a total of 72lbs from my heaviest of 235lb. Im hoping for 18 more pounds putting me at 144 and in a healthy BMI range!! Im soooooo close and feeling really confident that I can get there. 

On the TTC front, we are hoping that at the first of the year (also our 4 year mark) we can get back to the RE and jump back in. I want to get some labs repeated and a new ultrasound. Maybe some things will have improved with my weight loss? I want to give the oral meds alone anther chance. Maybe Jan & Feb. If we need it, we're hoping to do another injection/IUI cycle by March or April. I'm also working on a video to enter an contest through Sher Institutes in STL to win a free IVF cycle. Im not a likely winner, but the video diary has been fun to work on. I will share the link to my completed submission!! You all can vote for me :)

Sometimes, I do things for myself...

(This is more of a rant, not my usual informative posts)

I love this whole body positive movement that is happening. I love that its becoming more and more okay to be a bigger person. To have some curves, or even rolls and to know that they don't make you unattractive. In fact, you are beautiful regardless of your body shape! This is great!! Lets keep spreading this way of viewing the human body, because women & men come in all shapes and sizes. But I feel like there are already people taking this to an extreme that personally pisses me off. "It is okay to be big and beautiful, no one should ever want to change their body."

Fuck you! This is my body and just like no one can make me hate myself for being overweight, no one can make me stay overweight because they tell me I'm beautiful that way. Sometimes, I do things for me. Because I want to. I am choosing to lose weight

• Not because other people hate my body
• Not because other people tell me that I should hate my body.

(Im not saying that these aren't things that motivate others to lose weight, we all know that some people go as far as to develop eating disorders to fit someone elses definition of sexy or beauty.People get bullied and teased and made to feel ashamed. Im not arguing against that. Im telling the other side of the story.)

My husband has loved me at my thinnest and at my heaviest and I have his complete support during my weight loss. He motivates me and he cheers me on. He is the voice of reason when he can see im feeling frustrated or not seeing the results I want. No one from my past has ever significantly teased me for being overweight. It is a fact that not all skinny people are healthy and not all overweight people are unhealthy. But also a fact, sometimes they are. I'm one of those. I do not always eat the best foods, I have a numerous health issues and risks. PCOS and Insulin Resistance, these make me at higher risk of diabetes which runs in my family already. Plus a family history of hypertension. I also have a blood clotting disorder called Factor Five that makes me at high risk of blood clots and heart issues. I am struggling with infertility due to the PCOS. I have hardware in my left ankle due to a fall where it was shattered and popped out of place. Its important to me to get to a healthy weight. To help minimize my PCOS symptoms, to possibly cure my IR and lower my risk of diabetes and hypertension. To put my body in the best position to respond to fertility treatments and then carry our miracle baby. To feel better. To be able to walk and not be out of breath. Maybe even run someday!! To take some stress off of my ankle. See, sometimes I do things for me!!!

I am my own worst critic. I never said that I loved  my overweight body. I just never hated myself because I was fat. Highschool me at 150lbs and me at 235lbs were still me. And I think im pretty awesome. I am a shy and quiet person that feels incredibly awkward in groups of people. Im kind of a spazz. And I can work myself into some serious social anxiety at times. But once you get to know me and I am comfortable, I think im crazy amounts of fun! But I was never physically comfortable at my heaviest weight. I was sick more often. I had less energy. I couldn't do as much of or the kinds of activities that I wanted. I wasn't happy with how my clothes looked and how hard it was to find things that were flattering. I wasn't happy with how my body looked in general. Thats okay!! It is okay to be unhappy with your body, as long as its because YOU are unhappy and not because some one else says you should be. It's okay to want to make changes!! It's okay If feeling better about yourself and in your own skin are motivators for you to make changes!! You don't have to stay overweight because society is changing and is becoming more accepting of it. It is okay that I was 235lbs, my BMI was in between the lowest bracket of extreme obesity and the highest of obesity and I wanted to change that. It's okay that I am working out and watching what I eat and HAPPY to see my body changing. It is MORE than okay that I am feeling better physically and happier with how I look. Because sometimes, I just do shit for myself.

Im ecstatic to see so many men and women that are body positive. So many people that see the beauty in all body shapes. But I feel like its almost a fetish to some people. That they don't love all  body shapes, they only love bigger shapes and they are almost offended that somebody might want to lose weight. I don't want to be beautiful or sexy to someone because I have curves and rolls. I want to be  beautiful because im just fucking beautiful! My personality, my confidence, the energy I put off, the look in my eyes... not the shape of my body. And I won't feel guilty about the choice I have made or that my body is no longer your idea of beauty. Because sometimes, I fucking do shit for myself and I don't need anyone's approval but my own. & This is for me!!