As I've shared about, infertility can put you in a very dark place. It can literally be a vacuum and suck the fun & joy out of anything and everything around you. The obvious things such as a friend or family member getting pregnant... *schwoop* (thats my sucking sound effect) No joy because its unfair and it's not you & the green jealousy monster takes over. Mother's Day, another obvious one *schwoop* no joy because despite all your pain, tears, and money... You're still not a mother and this is the day it is rubbed in your face. Birthdays *schwoop* another year with no baby to show for it. But also alot of days and events that aren't so obvious. It can suck the fun out of a pretty day...*schwoop*... All your FB friends are taking their babies to the park to play or playing outside. Family BBQ's when all your cousins are there with their children *schwoop*! The birthdays of children born while you were TTC *schwoop* ... children you hoped your baby could be friends with and grow up with. All getting older. Day to Day there are so many things that pile up to bring it to your attention that you are STILL childless. Things no one even thinks about. Anywho, I said all of that to say that it's a sad, dark place and the longer you are there, the darker it is. It grows. Festers. Takes over. You become consumed with it and its able to steal more joy from you. With this forced break due to finances I made the promise to myself that I was going to dig out of this. I've taken a break from all things TTC, I can honestly say I have no idea what my BBT is for today or even what cycle day I'm on. I'm soooo much less stressed. I'm spending time with my husband. I've gone out. I've had some very memorable nights!! I've made a few new friends. I'm feeling better. Im avoiding FB some. I'm not following other people's journeys bcus it hurts too much, although they know I care and I pray for them daily. I hope they all get their BFP and leave me far behind. I'm doing okay here for right now! Can I tell you a secret?! SEX.... Yes Sex... Is FUN! Not baby making, baby dancing or doing the deed. None of that mess. JUST sex & It's spontaneous & fun! So I've taken a huge leap forward in that aspect of my life & my blogging is a bit limited bcus I can't very well blog about my journey when I'm not really on it at the moment. Bear with me, we WILL be back at it some day and I will have lots to share.
Now for the steps back....
I am still very stuck on my weight loss and I've become a bit consumed with my weight. Very down on myself and stressed. I've put on clothes and CRIED! So...I decided to STOP obsessing over things. I've come a long way. I'm much healthier than I once was. And I can't base my satisfaction with myself on a number on a scale or the size of my pants. I was feeling great. No baby stress. No weight stress. Wearing outfits I hadn't worn in awhile. Trying to be confident that I'm "curvy" but I can still be beautiful.... I'm going on a mini-vacation and Its my birthday (and I didn't cry about not being pregnant!!!) and I decided I needed some summer clothes... *schwoop*.... Damn! Two steps back! Shorts suck!! Summer clothes suck!! I'm still fat. I'm still rolly & I still hate my body. Losing 45lbs did not make swimsuit shopping or buying shorts any easier. I hvnt felt this bad in a long time! I just wanna wear a tank and jean shorts without a muffin top!! I wanna feel cute & curvy.... I just wanna cut off all this fat that I can't get rid of!! at this point I'm sooo frustrated that I just wish I had the self control to be anorexic! And I of all people, working in mental health, know how illogical and dangerous that is. But the thought has crossed my mind several times. Of course I could never do it!! Being fat upsets me. And being upset makes me want chocolate and pizza rolls!! Ooooh and root beer floats :/
Two steps back!!
