The Tough Stuff

I figured it was time for another one of my painfully honest blog posts.

Im really struggling here. *sigh* There I admitted it. Despite all I told myself the last few weeks about just being happy to share our story and have the opportunity to win IVF. Despite saying that no matter who won, we would just be happy to see someone hopefully ending their struggle, even if it wasn't us (which is true). Despite all the amazing support we saw and the rally to help us win... I'm really struggling right now.

I honestly did not realize how hopeful I was that we would win and just have this amazing chance to finally be pregnant. I had no idea how much my heart was set on seeing those beautiful pink lines and that little bean on an ultrasound. I didn't realize how much I was letting myself get carried away. I thought I was being sensible. saying "It's a long shot" "We won't win, but it can't hurt to try" -- I guess my heart wanted it more than I was letting myself believe. I never expected to be as anxious and excited as I was Monday. And I never expected the total meltdown I had after reading that list. Im talking clinging to Tom, bawling, total breakdown. I had no idea I had let myself get that hopeful.

The 15% discount that they decided to offer to all contestants is amazing, but also seems to be a cause for more stress and disappointment. We only have one year to use it. If you can not start a cycle within 2014, it expires. This is given to 70+ people who entered a contest to win FREE treatment because they can not afford to get it on their own. Now I feel like im in a race that we just can not win. We have this discount dangling in front of us, that we may not be able to use.

We decided that for us, we have to try and there is no way that we can just simply come up with close to $20,000 on our own. (the medications are not included in the initial cost of IVF as well as other necessary fees and travel) We don't have a house to refinance or a 401K to borrow from. We have tossed around the idea of fundraising and donations, but just couldn't bring ourselves to ask others for this kind of help. We're very self sufficient people. Maybe it's pride. But I don't to beg. I don't want others to look at us differently or thinking poorly of us because we are asking for money. I know what kinds of things some people are probably thinking about us "If they can't afford it on their own, then they shouldn't do it" or even worse "If they can't afford this, they don't need a baby, babies are expensive"  -- These thoughts really bother me. No we cant come up with the money all on our own, especially not in the 15% discount time frame. But does that really mean that because we don't have $20,000 we don't deserve to be parents?! As for being able to afford a baby since we can't afford IVF, let me ask you this... did you pay to conceive your child? Or did you just do it the old fashioned free way because you don't have a medical condition making that beyond unlikely? Are we prepared for the cost related to pregnancy, labor, raising a child? Yes, absolutely. We just never imagined 4 years ago that we would need a small fortune just to get pregnant.

So we bit the bullet and we set up the fundraising site. To hell with pride I suppose. We've also looked into a way that people can help and get something in return with the Apparent Project bracelets. But im having a hard time with this idea and the worries I already had prior. Im afraid others are thinking those negative things. I feel like we have a worthy cause, and going through what we are going through I would 100% donate to a fellow Cyster or other couples struggling with infertility. I feel like everyone deserves the chance to be parents. And If I ever get there, I would give to another in a heart beat. I already try to help anyone Ive met with infertility any way that I can. Usually all I can offer is the knowledge and experience Ive gained, a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. But I will do anything that I can. Im happy to see the support we have gotten so far, but im struggling with alot of doubt and fears about asking at all.

We hope that others also know that we are not asking for this at no cost to ourselves. We are going to be saving up all we can. We have a plan for how much we are putting back from each paycheck. Tom's weekly and mine monthly. We are going to do the physical fundraisers and put in the work. We're just asking for added help and struggling with that decision.

I really hope that other people do not think less of us, this has not been easy. Nothing about infertility is back or white or easy. This is tough.

      

Fundraiser

After a lot of thought and inquiries about ways to help us along on our journey, we've decided to create a GoFundMe account to help us raise the money we need to continue treatments. If you are interested in making a donation, please visit our page. Please remember, the price tag may be large, but even the smallest donation gets us one step closer to the goal amount.

We aren't just asking others to pay fro our treatments, we are going to make weekly "donations" of our own to the fund. Starting with $25.

Tick Tock

Eeeeeeeeps!! Today is the day finalists for the "I Believe" contest will be announced! We are on pins and needles and are super anxious to know!! I'm not super confident, we got sooo many votes and a lot of support, but who knows how many any one else had plus the judging factor. I will just be glad to know if we make it to the next panel of judges or not. Who ever wins will be 100% deserving and we may be disappointed, but we will be happy for whoever gets this amazing opportunity to have their prayers of a baby answered. You can't be mad at that!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Kq1vURcL8  -- this fits my feelings today so well! LOL


Side note, If we do not win this amazing opportunity, I think I have decided that we will pursue the fundraising thing. If people can do it for their band's big trip, for their boob job, and to pay for their sex change surgery... I can do it to complete my family. We invited a combination of 2,100 people on Facebook last night to an event to rally votes for the final day... me and my husband did some math and If every one of those people gave just $5.00... less than the typical meal out to eat fast food... we could have the $10,000ish for IVF. Plus it is a great way for us to put our own money away in a dedicated fund. We ourselves can "donate" a specified amount each week. We know that not everyone will be interested in donating to us, and that's okay. that is the bonus of donations, it is an option. And we're hopeful that some people will choose to donate. Any amount raised would be a blessing and help us get one step closer to the treatments we need to have a baby.

If we do not win, we have an appointment scheduled with my original RE for January 8th and we will repeat some labs and maybe start oral meds in the meantime just to see how it goes. We will do our 3rd and probably final IUI as soon as we can afford it (roughly $2000.00) If we are not successful, we will likely have no choice but to move forward with IVF.

Little Updates

The I Believe Contest for IVF will be ending at 11:59pm Sunday night. I'm sure some of you are like "yay!!! this link will stop showing up everywhere!" ... But for those of you that are paying attention and have watched, the time to share our link and to vote is running out. Please, if you are sick of seeing the link, take the few moments to click it anyways and see what its all about. Watch our video and vote. Its just a few short minutes and could change our lives forever. Finalists will be announced sometime on Monday Dec 2nd.

Excitedly nervous!! If nothing else, Ive been amazed by all the support I've seen from my Family, Friends, and Facebookland. It's been such a blessing to witness so many people sharing and rallying for us. I've had to fight off a few moments of getting my feelings hurt by a few people I just KNEW would be sharing and voting, who have not. and just focus on those who have. I guess the "you find out who your friends are" saying is true, but I choose to focus on the positive and We've gotten so much more support than I ever imagined. It means so much to us! I've boo hoo'd several times after reading the intros folk's have written above the link they shared. Just soo many sweet things. Thank you so much to anyone and everyone who watched, voted, and shared! I can not say that enough. It means the world to us. Win or Lose, for that we re eternally grateful.

As far as my Epic Amazing Natural O cycle appears to be a big flop. Took my leftover progesterone during the TWW just in case. A few good temps taken randomly. No real chart or anything since I wasn't expecting it. Somewhere between 12-14 DPO today. BFN on Thanksgiving morning (10-12DPO). Stopped the progesterone last night. AF should make her arrival soon. But it was a good shot I suppose.

Appointment set for January 8th to go see my RE. -- Assuming we dont win IVF!! -- Go vote! and SHARE

Faith and Infertility

Im going to pull my soapbox out for a minute and do some teaching. Im not mad or ranting really. I just want to really bring home something that I think is often misunderstood about Infertility & God.

Im a Christian. Im wishy-washy on denomination and have attended churches of all different kinds, but I firmly believe in God and in the power of prayer. My husband is the same. Im not going to preach at anyone or force my religion on anyone. If you believe in a different God(s) than me, that is fine. If you choose not to believe, that too, is your choice. That is not what this is about.

What I want to talk about is the need for some people, when reading my blog or my Facebook posts about Infertility, or even face to face, to tell me things like

"It's in Gods hands"
"It's up to God"
"It will happen in Gods time"
"Things happen when they are meant to happen"
"God will give you a baby when its right"

Things of that nature. And they are nice sentiments. I understand that no one means harm when they say them and they feel they are instilling hope and encouragement in us not to give up on God. But these things are actually quite hurtful. They imply that by pursuing treatment we are in fact giving up on God. That we don't have faith in or respect for his timing and plan. And that we are rushing to do things that aren't meant to happen yet. To me, they also imply that we are not struggling with a medical condition but simply an inability to be patient and wait on God. That our God is intentionally forcing us to wait on his timing and suffer through this heartbreak.

 And im not sure who your God is.... but mine does not cause suffering. My God would never intentionally put me through this type of pain and heartache. We believe that we are simply a victim of circumstance. We both have medical problems that interfere with our ability to get pregnant and God is not a part of that. God is here in this struggle with us. Not causing it. He is there to carry us when we feel like we can't keep moving forward. He gives me the strength to just keep trying. He has blessed us with the amazing support system we have and the friends we have met along the way. I feel like, if anything, we have been guided towards the doctors that we have seen and the treatments we are pursuing.

Sometimes God works through the hands of others. It's not hard for people to accept this when it comes to the idea of a good Samaritan doing CPR in a Walmart parking lot until help arrives, or the ER doctor who is able to stabilize a person and get them to surgery. We can easily believe that God works alongside surgeons and that God is with cancer patients who are receiving chemo. But when you start talking about babies, people seem appalled that you are going against God by seeking a doctors help. This is hurtful.

Should the cancer patients just wait on God to cure their cancer without medical intervention?
Should that ER doctor remain hands off until God stabilizes the person instead?
Should anyone knowing CPR just twiddle their thumbs in hope that God will step in instead?

No!!! God performs all kinds of miracles. Some are like the ones in the Bible where it is plain to see it was God doing all the work. But other times his miracles are more subtle and he may not get all the glory. And his miracles happen through the lives and work of others. Sometimes there is no magical pregnancy out of the blue for an infertile woman. Sometimes her body does not just suddenly work and after 15 years they get pregnant. Sometimes God answers these prayers by placing the couple in the hands of a skilled doctor. A few pills and some OPKs can be answered prayers. Sometimes God is working through the ultrasound tech who is monitoring the injectible stimulation process and the skilled eyes of the tech doing a sperm wash for IUI. Sometimes those blessing are conceived in a petri dish under a microscope. It doesn't mean that God isn't involved just because science and medicine are.

Infertility in itself is a test of faith. It can be easy to feel like God isn't with you in this situation or that you have done something wrong and he is punishing you. It is so easy to get angry with him for not just miraculously handing you a baby. To be angry that others are getting pregnant while you still can't. I know couples who no longer believe in God based on the thinking that "It will happen in God's time" and after 15 years at 40+ they are still not parents. They feel that God must not want this for them. God must not be listening to them. If God answers everyone's prayers but isn't answering theirs, then they can no longer believe in his existence.

This is not my God. This is not how God wants us to portray him to others. This is not the kind of thinking that Christians should teach to others and these are not the right things to say to a couple pursuing fertility treatments after years of struggle. I understand you may not mean for comments to hurt, only to help. So let me help you out. Try...

"God is with you in this struggle"
"I will be praying that God grant you strength"
"I hope that this is the answer to your prayers"
"I will be praying for you during your treatments"
"God will be watching over your doctors during this procedure"

Anything that instills faith without belittling our need for medical interventions.

I want to reiterate that infertility is a medical condition!!! There are disorders and diagnoses with NAMES! immune disorders, PCOS, Endometriosis, varicoceli, blocked tubes, low sperm count, motility, and morphology. They are all medical conditions that can make pregnancy unlikely or even impossible without ART. It has nothing to do with timing and everything to do with reproductive systems that for one reason or another are not functioning as they should. Please understand, infertility is a medicalcondition. Please understand our need to seek medical interventions with God by our side.

My nanny shared a very similar story with me once  after several upsetting comments about waiting on Gods timing had me worried I shouldn't be doing the treatments and was upsetting God.  http://epistle.us/inspiration/godwillsaveme.html  

It's Go Time!!

The I Believe contest voting is now live!! Please follow the link to vote for us and to share this with others if you can!! Me & my husband have been struggling with infertility for 4 years now and have never stopped praying and asking God to help us find the right path in this journey. We've undergone a lot of fertility treatments and recently stumbled upon and entered a video journal contest with a very well known specialist at Sher Institute of Reproductive Medicine. The winner will receive a free round of IVF. This is truly the chance of a lifetime since most insurances do not cover any infertility and the procedures cost thousands out of pocket. We believe that sometimes people are a victim of circumstance and that God answers prayers through doctors and the miracle of medical interventions. I also would like to request prayers for ourselves and the other couples who are going through similar struggles. Infertility is a heartbreak that can not be described. Please pray that all the couples keep strength during the struggle, faith that their blessing is coming & peace during the wait.

http://haveababy.com/ibelieve2013householder/

This is an interesting turn of events...

This is one of those TMI, for my hardcore infertility ladies posts. But any of you are welcome to follow along!! (I'll add a list of common abbreviations at the bottom)

After close to a year on break of no tracking, no temping, no OPKs and no TI ... I think I might be ovulating this month! Its not very often that I get good signs of impending O unless I'm on meds, although I do suspect that once in a while I sporadically ovulate on my own. These O's appear to be weak with low progesterone and a short LP just like my femara alone O's.... but anywho!! Working on my video for the SIRM I Believe Contest has kicked up my baby fever and that urgent feeling to start treatments. So after a day at work with the craziest CM I've ever had, I couldn't resist dragging out my giant bag of OPK's and peeing on one! It looked positive!!!

"don't get excited. you know this happens from time to time and its no better than an O on femara."

That was this past Wednesday night. So, given my track record of the worlds shortest LH surge, we BD just in case it was the real deal, I mean it can't hurt? And I decided to do another OPK Thursday morning. I was shocked to see that it was still positive!!

"still surging?? this is not normal for you!! maybe you are rusty and are just reading them wrong"

Fast forward to Thursday night. Was still having some crazy CM so I peed on another OPK and got yet again two very DARK lines.

"okay, they are defective. You usually ahve a surge so quick that you can miss it while testing twice a day. There is no way you are still detecting a LH surge 24hours after the first"

A little more BD... ya know... just in case!! Then I tested again on Friday morning. STILL POSITIVE! My heart actually sank a little.

"okay. It's a bad batch. They are going to pop positive no matter what. you're not ovulating"

So I did what any logical person would do... I made my husband take an OPK! & Guess what?? He is NOT ovulating!!

"dude!! this could be the most epic natural O ever!! Maybe the most recent weightloss is having an impact?"

I had some cramping and tenderness in the lower tummy/ovary area Friday and Saturday. Got some more BD in, ya know just in case, and am annoyingly bloated today!! Is this some magical miraculous O? Im not sure, and really won't ever know for sure, but its crazy unusual for me and I will take it! Maybe it is a sign that my hormones are trying to straighten out after my weight changes. Maybe its just another crazy sporadic weak O that means nothing. But it's an interesting turn of events!



OPK= ovulation prediction kit
TI = times intercourse
O = ovulation
CM= cervical mucus
LP= Luetal Phase the 2ish weeks after O
LH= Luetenizing Hormone - rises right before O
BD= baby dance (baby making)

I Believe Video Posted

Our submission to the SIRM 2013 contest to win IVF. Voting will be open from November 18th until December 1st at http://haveababy.com/believe-2013-videos/
Please share our video and vote for us if you like it!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkuG1LyLK0I&feature=youtu.be

Just Checking In!

Well hello there!! Long time, no see!! Anyone following along, we've officially reached one year with no fertility treatments. It's really been a lot easier to reach that "anniversary" than I expected. I feel like the hard part is over. It was devastating in the beginning, I didn't want to be on break. I didn't want to be wasting more time, seeing others announce their pregnancy while i'm twiddling my thumbs. Or at least trying! Doing something. I'm not sure where things got better, I can't really pinpoint that moment. But somewhere in early spring I realized that If we can't TTC right now, we should use this time the best we can. I needed to heal, to get into a better mindset before we try again. I was neglecting a lot of things because of my devotion to all things TTC and fertility related. I was avoiding some things because sometimes they hurt!! 

I missed a lot of baby showers because I just couldn't make myself go. So many holidays and family gatherings that should have been enjoyable, really weren't because above all else, I wanted to share those moments with my child. I wanted to see my baby in their Easter dress, I wanted to be watching them run around with their cousins at the 4th of July BBQ (or crawl! or just lay there looking all cute in their red, white, &blue). I wanted to be taking my child trick or treating, not just look at all the other cute kids in costumes. And most of all, I wanted it to be my baby enjoying their first Christmas. I don't think that ache every really goes away. But I wanted to work on my response to that feeling and my ability to NOT let it ruin everything. I wanted to reconnect with my friends and family, even the ones with children. I wanted to get my life back. I started making myself go out more and do things. Start going on date nights more. Not decline invitations to go grab lunch with a friend or accompany them and their niece to Build-A-Bear. Meet up with friends to eat at Applebees, (even though their baby is with them). Things like that. I feel like I've made some progress and i'm in a much better place than I was.

 I also really buckled down on the weight loss. I guess with my neurotic tendencies, I need an obsession! I had gained back up to 200lbs at some point in early summer. I was struggling and I decided to get one month of phentermine (adipex) from my doctor to help me kick things back into gear. I skipped days here and there and that script lasted me way more than one month, but it was the confidence booster that I needed. I knew that on a tough day, I could take it and not eat everything in sight. I started doing a walking/aerobic DVD with a co-worker daily. We were doing 5 miles a day at one point and I was doing great on my water intake finally. Im currently down a total of 72lbs from my heaviest of 235lb. Im hoping for 18 more pounds putting me at 144 and in a healthy BMI range!! Im soooooo close and feeling really confident that I can get there. 

On the TTC front, we are hoping that at the first of the year (also our 4 year mark) we can get back to the RE and jump back in. I want to get some labs repeated and a new ultrasound. Maybe some things will have improved with my weight loss? I want to give the oral meds alone anther chance. Maybe Jan & Feb. If we need it, we're hoping to do another injection/IUI cycle by March or April. I'm also working on a video to enter an contest through Sher Institutes in STL to win a free IVF cycle. Im not a likely winner, but the video diary has been fun to work on. I will share the link to my completed submission!! You all can vote for me :)

Sometimes, I do things for myself...

(This is more of a rant, not my usual informative posts)

I love this whole body positive movement that is happening. I love that its becoming more and more okay to be a bigger person. To have some curves, or even rolls and to know that they don't make you unattractive. In fact, you are beautiful regardless of your body shape! This is great!! Lets keep spreading this way of viewing the human body, because women & men come in all shapes and sizes. But I feel like there are already people taking this to an extreme that personally pisses me off. "It is okay to be big and beautiful, no one should ever want to change their body."

Fuck you! This is my body and just like no one can make me hate myself for being overweight, no one can make me stay overweight because they tell me I'm beautiful that way. Sometimes, I do things for me. Because I want to. I am choosing to lose weight

• Not because other people hate my body
• Not because other people tell me that I should hate my body.

(Im not saying that these aren't things that motivate others to lose weight, we all know that some people go as far as to develop eating disorders to fit someone elses definition of sexy or beauty.People get bullied and teased and made to feel ashamed. Im not arguing against that. Im telling the other side of the story.)

My husband has loved me at my thinnest and at my heaviest and I have his complete support during my weight loss. He motivates me and he cheers me on. He is the voice of reason when he can see im feeling frustrated or not seeing the results I want. No one from my past has ever significantly teased me for being overweight. It is a fact that not all skinny people are healthy and not all overweight people are unhealthy. But also a fact, sometimes they are. I'm one of those. I do not always eat the best foods, I have a numerous health issues and risks. PCOS and Insulin Resistance, these make me at higher risk of diabetes which runs in my family already. Plus a family history of hypertension. I also have a blood clotting disorder called Factor Five that makes me at high risk of blood clots and heart issues. I am struggling with infertility due to the PCOS. I have hardware in my left ankle due to a fall where it was shattered and popped out of place. Its important to me to get to a healthy weight. To help minimize my PCOS symptoms, to possibly cure my IR and lower my risk of diabetes and hypertension. To put my body in the best position to respond to fertility treatments and then carry our miracle baby. To feel better. To be able to walk and not be out of breath. Maybe even run someday!! To take some stress off of my ankle. See, sometimes I do things for me!!!

I am my own worst critic. I never said that I loved  my overweight body. I just never hated myself because I was fat. Highschool me at 150lbs and me at 235lbs were still me. And I think im pretty awesome. I am a shy and quiet person that feels incredibly awkward in groups of people. Im kind of a spazz. And I can work myself into some serious social anxiety at times. But once you get to know me and I am comfortable, I think im crazy amounts of fun! But I was never physically comfortable at my heaviest weight. I was sick more often. I had less energy. I couldn't do as much of or the kinds of activities that I wanted. I wasn't happy with how my clothes looked and how hard it was to find things that were flattering. I wasn't happy with how my body looked in general. Thats okay!! It is okay to be unhappy with your body, as long as its because YOU are unhappy and not because some one else says you should be. It's okay to want to make changes!! It's okay If feeling better about yourself and in your own skin are motivators for you to make changes!! You don't have to stay overweight because society is changing and is becoming more accepting of it. It is okay that I was 235lbs, my BMI was in between the lowest bracket of extreme obesity and the highest of obesity and I wanted to change that. It's okay that I am working out and watching what I eat and HAPPY to see my body changing. It is MORE than okay that I am feeling better physically and happier with how I look. Because sometimes, I just do shit for myself.

Im ecstatic to see so many men and women that are body positive. So many people that see the beauty in all body shapes. But I feel like its almost a fetish to some people. That they don't love all  body shapes, they only love bigger shapes and they are almost offended that somebody might want to lose weight. I don't want to be beautiful or sexy to someone because I have curves and rolls. I want to be  beautiful because im just fucking beautiful! My personality, my confidence, the energy I put off, the look in my eyes... not the shape of my body. And I won't feel guilty about the choice I have made or that my body is no longer your idea of beauty. Because sometimes, I fucking do shit for myself and I don't need anyone's approval but my own. & This is for me!!

1 Step Forward...

And two steps back! GAH!

As I've shared about, infertility can put you in a very dark place. It can literally be a vacuum and suck the fun & joy out of anything and everything around you. The obvious things such as a friend or family member getting pregnant... *schwoop* (thats my sucking sound effect) No joy because its unfair and it's not you & the green jealousy monster takes over. Mother's Day, another obvious one *schwoop* no joy because despite all your pain, tears, and money... You're still not a mother and this is the day it is rubbed in your face. Birthdays *schwoop* another year with no baby to show for it. But also alot of days and events that aren't so obvious. It can suck the fun out of a pretty day...*schwoop*... All your FB friends are taking their babies to the park to play or playing outside. Family BBQ's when all your cousins are there with their children *schwoop*! The birthdays of children born while you were TTC *schwoop* ... children you hoped your baby could be friends with and grow up with. All getting older. Day to Day there are so many things that pile up to bring it to your attention that you are STILL childless. Things no one even thinks about. Anywho, I said all of that to say that it's a sad, dark place and the longer you are there, the darker it is. It grows. Festers. Takes over. You become consumed with it and its able to steal more joy from you. With this forced break due to finances I made the promise to myself that I was going to dig out of this. I've taken a break from all things TTC, I can honestly say I have no idea what my BBT is for today or even what cycle day I'm on. I'm soooo much less stressed. I'm spending time with my husband. I've gone out. I've had some very memorable nights!! I've made a few new friends. I'm feeling better. Im avoiding FB some. I'm not following other people's journeys bcus it hurts too much, although they know I care and I pray for them daily. I hope they all get their BFP and leave me far behind. I'm doing okay here for right now! Can I tell you a secret?! SEX.... Yes Sex... Is FUN! Not baby making, baby dancing or doing the deed. None of that mess. JUST sex & It's spontaneous & fun! So I've taken a huge leap forward in that aspect of my life & my blogging is a bit limited bcus I can't very well blog about my journey when I'm not really on it at the moment. Bear with me, we WILL be back at it some day and I will have lots to share.

Now for the steps back....

I am still very stuck on my weight loss and I've become a bit consumed with my weight. Very down on myself and stressed. I've put on clothes and CRIED! So...I decided to STOP obsessing over things. I've come a long way. I'm much healthier than I once was. And I can't base my satisfaction with myself on a number on a scale or the size of my pants. I was feeling great. No baby stress. No weight stress. Wearing outfits I hadn't worn in awhile. Trying to be confident that I'm "curvy" but I can still be beautiful.... I'm going on a mini-vacation and Its my birthday (and I didn't cry about not being pregnant!!!) and I decided I needed some summer clothes... *schwoop*.... Damn! Two steps back! Shorts suck!! Summer clothes suck!! I'm still fat. I'm still rolly & I still hate my body. Losing 45lbs did not make swimsuit shopping or buying shorts any easier. I hvnt felt this bad in a long time! I just wanna wear a tank and jean shorts without a muffin top!! I wanna feel cute & curvy.... I just wanna cut off all this fat that I can't get rid of!!  at this point I'm sooo frustrated that I just wish I had the self control to be anorexic! And I of all people, working in mental health, know how illogical and dangerous that is. But the thought has crossed my mind several times. Of course I could never do it!! Being fat upsets me. And being upset makes me want chocolate and pizza rolls!! Ooooh and root beer floats :/

Two steps back!! 

MIA....

So, I haven't posted in awhile. Just kinda down and no real feeling to put into words. Frustrated with the whole break situation. Frustrated with pregnancy announcements. Frustrated with trying to NOT think about babies and to stay busy with others things (which is impossible btw). and Frustrated with my weight loss!! I just haven't had anything to say worth sharing and just haven't wanted to write anything. I don't want my blog to be all doom and gloom and negative postings about how miserable I am. So, I'm kinda trying to wait all this out and see if I can regain a more positive outlook and attitude. Maybe I can find some more educational/informative things to post about??

On the weight loss:

I started 1400 calories Thursday night, did 1400 Friday as well.... I was stuck hovering between 193.8 and 193 even..... and on Saturday, after upping my intake... as I feared, I had gained!! i was 195.6!!! Needless to say I was horrified and I am back to 1200 calories a day. Trying to stick to my exercise routine. Ive been doing Zumba T&Th at the community center and I'm adding in walking at work and starting Zumba with a co-worker on M, W, & F soon hopefully. I was down to 192.4 on Tuesday. I wont weigh again until Friday for my official weight loss progress update.

On the TTC:

We do finally have a tiny bit in savings for the next cycle. Its not enough to even make a small dent in the cost, but I feel a little better knowing that its there, and hopefully we can add to it and I can start to breathe a little easier. I have this terrible sinking feeling that we are never going to have a child of our own. I'm not sure how to explain the feeling.... its very strange and Ive never felt this before. I think its just the reality that we're nearing the end of what science can do for us. After so many failed IUI's.... with male issues involved as well as my issues.... there isn't much else that can be done. Its IVF. and there is nothing after IVF really. So I'm just feeling very uneasy and scared!! I'm also feeling like I don't want to talk about babies or TTC very much. I'm not doing anything really to give us a chance at conceiving, so I don't even want to talk about it. I want to have a plan in place for me, so that we can try again sometime this summer. But other than that, don't ask me questions. I'm not charting. I don't want to talk about it.

But, I'm not giving up just yet on the weight loss... I'm going to continue my exercise and my 1200 calories and see what happens! & we're not giving up on conceiving either, we're just on hold for awhile, which sucks and makes it feel like we have given up. :)

Throw Back Thursday

Just Some Random Pics of my and the Hubs from various trips!

                 2007    NYE & Panama City Beach              

                                2008  The Lake                                 

                             2009  Panama City Beach                    

                            2010  New Orleans                              

 

Thanks for the advice!

Well, I've moped and I've wined all day. And I've ate a little junk because I feel crappy about my progress. But I did take my butt to Zumba... and I burned an estimated 450+ calories... and Ive decided that maybe some of you are right and I need on increase my intake.

I manually over-rode My Fitness Pal and I upped my daily allowance to 1400 calories and I plan to try to meet that for one week and see what happens. I'm going to add in some snacks to help me get enough cals in. Some apples, carrots and peanut butter, nuts, PB on wheat bread. Other fruits and veggies. I'm very very very nervous about this! Im soooo scared that after this week when I weigh in, I'm going to see 194 on my scale or worse.. (cue scary music)... 200!!

Pray for me?? and Come visit me in the hospital if I gain and loose my mind or have a stroke?

GRRRRRRR! Frustrated!

and yes ladies and gentleman.... that was a growl!

Im sooooo frustrated with my weight loss this time around! Im such a yo-yo'er! I am on again and off again on the wieght loss wagon. But typically if I get on the wagon I can drop a good 15lbs in a month or so. Ive lost 45 total since starting in July of 2011. I lost 30lbs that go around in 3 months and kept it off until i started fertility treatments in 2012. I slowly creeped back up to the 200's and started my diet again in May of 2012 and was able to loose another 30lbs (some of it was weight i had gained back) in about 4 months. Lowest weight being 188. Now here I sit.... weight has creeped back on since my injectables cycle in November. I got back up to 196. Ive been doing what I always do when I need to lose weight. Stay around 1200 calories and watch my carb servings. Cut out sodas. Force water.... in almost 3 weeks.... im only down 3lbs!!!!

 Im STUCK!! And im working out harder than I have ever worked!! I do not understand! And honestly... if I cant lose weight doing everything that im doing... I just want to say... EFF THIS!!... and eat a couple dozen cupcakes and Reese's cups!! Maybe a few gallons of Dr. Pepper and Starbucks Frappuchino's drinks will drowned my sorrows? But seriously, what is the point in doing all of this if my scale is not going to budge?

Jealousy vs. Envy

 A recent article I saw shared on FB really hit home for me. It was actually about an app to disguise baby photos on your news feed with pictures of other things like puppies or seascapes or bacon?! Everyone loves bacon! Right? But anywho. . . It also shared the differences in jealousy and envy! I know a lot of outsiders will read my blog and think "ugh, she is a bad person" or "she is just jealous of these women who have children"

jeal·ous
Pronunciation: \ˈje-ləs\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English
1 a : intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness
2: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage 3: vigilant in guarding a possession

en·vy
Pronunciation: \ˈen-vē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural envies
Etymology: Middle English
1 : painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage 2 obsolete : malice 3 : an object of envious notice or feeling

The term jealous implies that I want to be that other person or I want to take away what they have. That's not how I feel at all. I don't want someone else's life or situation. And I don't want them to not have children. I would never wish this situation on anyone.

Envy is what I feel. And it's not necessarily bad thing. It simply means that I desire to have the same thing that these other women have. I want to have a baby too! It's an advantage that some women can enjoy motherhood and it's painful that I currently can't share in that enjoyment.

Envy is a tough emotion. Struggling to conceive is a tough situation. Others look at you like a bad person when you admit to envying someone who is pregnant or has children. You're wrong to feel that way. You shouldn't want what others have. You should be happy with the things that you do have. So you feel ashamed to share the thoughts and feelings with friends and family. But it's not that I'm unhappy with the things I have. I could write an almost endless list of things I've been blessed with that I'm thankful for. And I'm not wrong because there is something I want that I don't have. And I'm also not a bad person for feeling hurt or even a bit resentful towards people who already have these things. It's a terrible feeling when you want to be pregnant, to have a baby, to be a mother, to complete your family ... And literally everywhere you are, some one has that exact thing. Sometimes it feels like life is taunting you?! You go to Walmart to buy more supplements, and see a group of high school kids buying the new Justin Timberlake CD and 1 of the girls is obviously pregnant. Or go to the doctor for another test or labs, and there is a lady in the waiting room struggling with 3 kids and a car-seat. You go to the park to walk for exercise, hopefully to better your chances at conceiving, and there is a group of moms pushing their kids on the swings. Check Facebook... 98% of the posts are about what some one's child has done recently. Check Instagram 98% of the pictures are adorable babies doing adorable things. Some days it's literally a tight aching feeling right in the heart. One that travels right to the pit of your stomach. Some days it's tears immediately stinging your eyes. Or a lump in your throat. And the thought of... What if I never get to have a big pregnant belly? What if I never have children to pack to the doctors office? What if I never have children to play with at the park and push in a swing? What if I never get to hear that squeal of excitement?? Or have a baby to brag about on Facebook or share pictures of on Instagram? What if this never happens for us?

Imagine if you didn't have all the experiences that you share about and enjoy as a parent. Would you miss it?

Now would you tell me I'm just jealous and a bad person?

Vitamin D...Are you Deficient?

Yup, no cutesy or creative title for this one. Straight to the point I guess? Or maybe i'm just slacking.

I was reading a friends blog the other day ( http://notcrazyjusthypo.blogspot.com/ ) and one of her readers mentioned Vitamin D issues. That reminded me about my experience with Vitamin D and I want to share the little bit of info I have gathered about it.

Basically, contrary to popular belief, we don't get the majority of our Vitamin D from drinking milk or other foods, we get it from the sun. We adsorb it through our skin. And we, as a society, do not spend alot of time in the sun anymore. So its actually VERY common for Americans to suffer vitamin D deficiencies. Vitamin D is a steroid hormone that influences virtually every cell in your body and has been positively linked to health conditions ranging from cancer to heart disease. Including Infertility!!  Some signs of a Vitamin D Deficiency are fatigue, muscle aches, joint pain, insomnia, poor immune system, mood swings, and depression.

Vitamin D deficiency is very common in women with PCOS and can greatly increase your risk of infertility. Vitamin D can help to regulate the ratios of hormones in the body including progesterone and estrogen. also, women who have insulin resistance or diabetes along with their PCOS could have even lower numbers, as Metformin (commonly prescribed to treat these conditions) can leach vitamin D from our systems. A study i found of 67 infertile women showed that only 7% of them had normal levels of Vitamin D. The rest were either low or clinically deficient!! That's 93% that were below the normal levels!! 

Vitamin D levels can be checked by your Reproductive Endocrinologist, Fertility Specialist, OB/GYN or just your regular Primary Care Physician! Its important to be sure they are checking your Vitamin D3 and not D2.  I decided to have mine checked after a "cyster" in one of my forums informed me that after several failed cycles, including a failed IVF, she was tested for Vitamin D deficiency and sure enough was critically low. After treating the deficiency and starting a daily regimen to keep her levels normal, she was later able to conceive with oral medications alone! My PCP ran my test and after getting my results, started me on a script fro a high dose of 50,000iu Vitamin D  1x a week for 6 weeks. After that she said I could take a OTC supplement. I am currently taking a 4,000iu Vitamin D immunity complex  daily, that I buy at Walgreens. I have definitely noticed that when i take it regularly, i feel much better, I have more energy and just feel different. If i start missing doses I start to feel a little tired and lethargic again. It hasn't magically cured my infertility yet, but Im 100% sure that this is a key factor in why our cycles thus far have failed! Other ways to boost Vitamin D include adding more eggs, fish, and dairy to your diet or taking cod liver oil. Spending 20 minutes in the sun will also boost your bodies natural production of vitamin D3. Forget the sunscreen though since it will  block the ultraviolet light that produces Vitamin D. Being out in the sun for just a few minutes a day, you're body can make 10,000 to 25,000 IU of Vitamin D.

I recommend that everyone have their levels checked. Even if PCOS or Infertility are not issues for you. It can improve your moods, energy levels, immune system, PMS symptoms, irregular periods, joint pains, and is linked to SOOO many other health issues.

**http://natural-fertility-info.com/fertility-vitamin-d.html**for more information on Vit. D&Fertility

Fessing Up...

Well, I need to take a moment to come clean. . . . . I've quit the 30 Day Shred!

After Tuesdays exercise, my knee was REALLY giving me issues. Both felt puffy and jelly like. I chalked it up to sore muscles and kept on going. I made it to day 5 on Thursday. All day my right knee (the one I have a past injury with) was popping and cracking all day. I did that nights shred anyways. But Friday was worse. So I decided to take a "recovery day". It bothered me all weekend and despite 100% intention of re-starting Sunday night, my knees just can't do it. Too much jumping with the 1min intervals or jumping jacks and jumping rope. Plus the 1 minute intervals of push ups, that I have to do on my knees since my injured ankle cant support my weight.

I think that if I had breaks between days instead of 30 days straight in a row, maybe I could do it? I haven't 100% given up just yet. I think I plan to modify. Maybe M,W, & F doing the shred and going to Zumba classes on T&TH? Then the weekend to rest? I love the local Zumba class at the community center. I attended for a few months last year and enjoyed it sooo much! I'm excited to have a good friend to go with again.

Last week I was pretty down, still am. No real progress on the scale, despite all the exercise and eating good. I blew it big time Friday with poor eating (mainly because I was mad about no progress) and I didn't do much better over the weekend.
I skipped yesterdays workout as well due to a terrible migraine. But tonight, I am Zumba bound!!

I Need A Hobby...

I've been thinking... and that's never good! LOL :)

No really, sometimes it really is not good. When you think too much you think about the things you want to do, and that leads to the things you haven't done. Which a lot of times leads to things you want and don't have. And for me, that leads to babies and sadness. So. . .  I need a hobby.

During this "break" me and the hubby have talked about trying to strengthen our relationship. Focus more on where we are now and not on babies in the future. Do things. Have fun. Be a couple. I know some other ladies with infertility have told me similar things. Learning to get back to the here and now and not focus on "when we have a baby" is much harder than you think!!

As an infertile married couple. . . you're in a weird spot. The in-between. You are trying to have a family so you don't quite fit with the young, wild, and free bunch of friends you used to hang with before you decided to have kids. BUT, since your plans to have kids has stalled, you don't fit in with your friends who are parents either. You don't do much partying anymore since that lifestyle doesn't really fit in with you're desire to be pregnant and nurture a growing fetus. Shouldn't drink while taking metformin, it can mess up the blood sugar. Can't drink during the TWW either, there could be a baby in there!! BUT you can't load up the kids to take them to Chuck-E-Cheese's either. . . ya know, since you're kids don't quite exist. It's awkward being the one person at the 3rd birthday party without a child. The mom's don't really have much to talk with you about and the conversation can actually hurt on a bad day, because no you don't know how much the postpartum stretch marks suck, or how terrible the two's really are!! But you would like too!! 

So, finding things to do beside sitting at home and thinking too much is hard!
I would like to find a hobby! Maybe something that will be hard to continue once I'm pregnant and have a baby... one of those "enjoy this while you can" kind of things. Crocheting? Knitting? I also want to find things for me and the husband to do as a couple. Everyone always says "enjoy your alone time together while you can!" . . . we have ALOT of alone time. . . what can we do to make it more enjoyable? There are some things we have always talked about doing that we never quite fit in, that we plan to try harder at. We love to ride the motorcycle. I want to take more trips on it. We did a poker run last fall and I think we will plan on doing a few more of those too. Can't just take off on the motorcycle when I'm pregnant!! We like to go fishing. Saturday afternoon fishing trips sounds like a great thing to add to the schedule! Don't think a toddler is going to enjoy sitting quietly with a fishing pole!! Hubs has always wanted to buy a gun and learn to shoot. Maybe go to the gun range?? Could be fun and def not baby friendly. The hubs has also recently purchased some golf clubs. So, guess im going to learn to play?!

 --- SIDE NOTE--- FIND TIME TO RECONNECT WITH FRIENDS. BOTH WITH AND WITHOUT KIDS! SKIP THE METFORMIN AND GO HAVE A DRINK!! IT WONT KILL YOU AND YOU MAY HAVE A GREAT TIME!! AND IF ITS NOT A BAD DAY, GO PLAY WITH THE KIDDOS!! HANG WITH THE MOMMY FRIENDS ANYWAYS. GET MORE PRACTICE. GIRLS NIGHT!! MOMMY'S NEED A BREAK TOO!

Awareness...

Infertility and Miscarriage are such personal things! and all too often, we (those that are going through these situations), want to have our cake and eat it too. We want others to understand how we feel and what we are going through. But we don't want to share our stories because its personal. Calm down ladies, I'm not writing this in an attempt to force everyone to go out an announce their loss to all of Facebook. Or to "out" yourselves as infertile. I'm just stating a fact. People don't know how to respond to us or how to understand us, because they are not in our shoes and they are not exposed to stories like ours often enough. They don't know what its all about. They don't know how common it is. They don't know anyone who is dealing with it. They dont know. 

PCOS and another medical condition of mine, Factor 5, put me at high risk of miscarriage, If I were to have one, I'm allowed to grieve for the loss of my baby. No matter how early. 5 weeks? so what. This was my CHILD!! The baby I fought to conceive. And I will not be forced to hide my emotions and just "move on" because miscarriage makes people uncomfortable or because some people don't consider an early miscarriage to be a big deal.

I want to change that!! I want infertility and pregnancy loss in the spot light!!  I want others to see it for what it is. A medical condition and a BIG deal. Its not a personal problem that I should just deal with behind closed doors. It affects day to day life, even when I try hard not to let it. 

 April is National Infertility Awareness Week

The colors are light pink & light blue!! Wear them and show support!!

 

April 21-27 2012

 ______________________________________________ 

September Is PCOS Awareness Month

The color is Teal! Wear it proudly :)

Progress v.2

Starting Weight- 235
Lowest Weight- 188
Last Week- 193.0
Today- 192.3

Continuing to count calories using the my fitness pal app and stay right around 1200 calories. Ive done very good this week with that and have not gone over calories at all. Ive also tried to continue to avoid sweets and sodas. I started the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred program and have finished 5 days of that! Im pretty proud considering that I'm terribly out of shape and Sunday night, I literally had to stop and almost puked!!!

However, I'm frustrated and because of that, today I blew it! Tuesday I weighed and was down to 192.4 (YAY!!!) working out, good on calories.... weigh Wednesday and I've gained a pound! back up to 193.6!! Thursday down to 191.8!! still exercising and under on calories... this morning, I'm up a pound and back to 192 :(    and ofcourse im upset that im not steadily losing and I keep gaining even though I'm doing everything I can to lose! Im working my @ss off!! So today, angry, and PMS'ing... I've had several mini candy bars and a snack size bag of hot fries and a soda.

Here We Go Again

Yay!! for me, (insert sarcasm please) We got a very annoying visitor yesterday. Aunt Flow has arrived and we're on to the next cycle...

Cycle #15
(somehow my count was off and I had last month as cycle number 13)

1700mg metformin 2x daily
81mg baby aspirin daily
4000iu Vitamin D immunity complex daily
B complex daily
prenatal daily

Currently taking a break from "hardcore TTC"
Not tracking BBT or doing OPKs
No fertility medications.

 **Possibly adding vitex at some point. Checking Walgreens for it this weekend.

. 

well... by golly.... I wanna be knocked up! please and thank you :)

Throw Back Thursday!

Throw Back Thursday#2

Weight Loss is a common theme this week, as well as the always popular struggle to TTC. So my TBT pics go along with both of those.

 This is me at my smallest. High School 2006. Roughly 150lbs

 And, This is me at my heaviest. Winter 2011. Roughly 235lbs

And this is the hubby and me right around the time we first started trying to have a baby :)

It's Dark In Here.

Maybe its hormone's since I'm nearing the end of one cycle and the start of another. Maybe its the weather... so cold and rainy. Or maybe I'm depressed? But it's pretty dark in here right now. Ive noticed alot of changes in my over all attitude lately. And I'm trying really hard to stay peppy and to find things to be excited about. Trying to stay interested in weight loss and pre-occupy my mind with things like work, exercising, the blog and friends who are actively TTC right now. But it's not really working. And I really don't want a blog that's full of negative and sad entries and just please pity me type posts. I'm really not that kind of person. So, yesterday I didn't post at all.

When I first realized that having a baby was going to be hard for us, after a year or so, I just really wanted for anyone who wanted a baby to just PLEASE be able to have one!! Including me. But as the struggle continues, the lights start to dim. Suddenly jealousy hits a bit and you start to feel some resentment towards people who can easily get pregnant and its harder to be happy for them. People with multiple kids. People who weren't trying and accidentally get pregnant. Its hard to be around them. It hurts. A little dimmer still. But for the last year I have been able to take solace in a great group of ladies I met on the Soul Cysters forum and talk with alot on two Facebook groups. Women who are going through what I am. Who feel the same hurts and jealousies. Who wont judge me for my ugly thoughts! As the last year has past, we have seen alot of pregnancies, alot of losses, and alot of failed cycles. Its getting dark. Alot of family members, friends and Facebook acquaintances announcing pregnancies. A little darker. Time spent saving up for a expensive injection cycle. Borrowing money from my parents. Taking time off of work. Painful injections. Putting on a brave face. Allowing myself to get hopeful!! Seeing results!! Good swimmers... a light at the end of the tunnel!! Alot of tricky tests where we thought we saw a second line, and it ultimately ended in the start of a new cycle. Negative. And the lights went out.

I was able to put on a brave face for awhile. It's okay, really! We can just try again!! And i think that after a few weeks, even I was believing that. But we cant just try again. We cant try again until we can afford a $2000+ medical bill, paid up front, out of pocket. We cant just borrow more money. Or charge it. And insurance wont cover anything. Not one cent. The reality is, we cant try again so easily. And im not sure how long it will take us to save up the amount of money that we need. Preferably we need to have enough for 2 cycles in a row. That's $4000+ and with all the crap that comes up, we haven't be able to save anything at all. The next cycle is slipping father and farther away. Our next chance at a baby is moving farther and farther away. Its really dark in here. I dont like to go to my boards as often as I used to. Even there I cant find much solace. women who are still trying for a baby. Women who are doing things. taking meds, getting scan, seeing doctors, doing IUI's... even IVF. and here I sit. This is not a happy place! I'm not looking for pity... I know thats how this sounds. Just looking for the light...

  

A Very Bad Day.

For three years I have been trying to have a baby. This has been my life. I don't think you can help but to be a bit consumed with it. Its really alot of work!! I have been monitoring cycles, taking ovulation prediction kits (OPKs), charting my basal body temperature (BBT), and timing intercourse. One of those years I've spent taking various meds, including injections in my stomach and getting follicle scans and IUI's. And suddenly. . . here we are. . . at the beginning of the third year, at an absolute stand still. No meds. No procedures. No doctors. . . No TTC. This is not sitting well with me.

Sure I can still take an oral med. And I talked a big game about going natural with the vitex, and I still plan to give that a shot. . . but today. . . it all feels kind of pointless. I mean if i needed 800iu of FSH injectables... what is a random herbal supplement really going to accomplish? I feel stuck. . . Lost almost? I just want to be doing something about my infertility!! I want to be doing whatever its going to take to have a baby. I don't want to be on pause. I want injections in my stomach, vaginal ultrasounds to monitor follicle growth and I want sperm in a catheter!!

 Today is a whiny day. Today is one of those "Life isn't fair" days! Today is a very bad day.

Unless I Puke, Faint or Die...

 

After a lot of looking and backing out and looking and making excuses and looking some more and backing out again, Ive decided that if I'm done making excuses for why its okay to feel like poo on a daily basis, then I'm done making excuses for why I cant exercise!! Yes, I am limited by my ankle and my knees, but I'm not doing them any favors by sitting on my butt either! Im already eating better and feeling better and Ive lost a lot of weight so far! Almost 45lbs since I started this a year and a half ago.... but I need to get some real exercise started!  

I'm going to do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred!!  Its just 30 days....Surely I can commit to 30 days of doing the best that I can. I start tonight.... wish me luck!!