MIA....

So, I haven't posted in awhile. Just kinda down and no real feeling to put into words. Frustrated with the whole break situation. Frustrated with pregnancy announcements. Frustrated with trying to NOT think about babies and to stay busy with others things (which is impossible btw). and Frustrated with my weight loss!! I just haven't had anything to say worth sharing and just haven't wanted to write anything. I don't want my blog to be all doom and gloom and negative postings about how miserable I am. So, I'm kinda trying to wait all this out and see if I can regain a more positive outlook and attitude. Maybe I can find some more educational/informative things to post about??

On the weight loss:

I started 1400 calories Thursday night, did 1400 Friday as well.... I was stuck hovering between 193.8 and 193 even..... and on Saturday, after upping my intake... as I feared, I had gained!! i was 195.6!!! Needless to say I was horrified and I am back to 1200 calories a day. Trying to stick to my exercise routine. Ive been doing Zumba T&Th at the community center and I'm adding in walking at work and starting Zumba with a co-worker on M, W, & F soon hopefully. I was down to 192.4 on Tuesday. I wont weigh again until Friday for my official weight loss progress update.

On the TTC:

We do finally have a tiny bit in savings for the next cycle. Its not enough to even make a small dent in the cost, but I feel a little better knowing that its there, and hopefully we can add to it and I can start to breathe a little easier. I have this terrible sinking feeling that we are never going to have a child of our own. I'm not sure how to explain the feeling.... its very strange and Ive never felt this before. I think its just the reality that we're nearing the end of what science can do for us. After so many failed IUI's.... with male issues involved as well as my issues.... there isn't much else that can be done. Its IVF. and there is nothing after IVF really. So I'm just feeling very uneasy and scared!! I'm also feeling like I don't want to talk about babies or TTC very much. I'm not doing anything really to give us a chance at conceiving, so I don't even want to talk about it. I want to have a plan in place for me, so that we can try again sometime this summer. But other than that, don't ask me questions. I'm not charting. I don't want to talk about it.

But, I'm not giving up just yet on the weight loss... I'm going to continue my exercise and my 1200 calories and see what happens! & we're not giving up on conceiving either, we're just on hold for awhile, which sucks and makes it feel like we have given up. :)

Throw Back Thursday

Just Some Random Pics of my and the Hubs from various trips!

                 2007    NYE & Panama City Beach              

                                2008  The Lake                                 

                             2009  Panama City Beach                    

                            2010  New Orleans                              

 

Thanks for the advice!

Well, I've moped and I've wined all day. And I've ate a little junk because I feel crappy about my progress. But I did take my butt to Zumba... and I burned an estimated 450+ calories... and Ive decided that maybe some of you are right and I need on increase my intake.

I manually over-rode My Fitness Pal and I upped my daily allowance to 1400 calories and I plan to try to meet that for one week and see what happens. I'm going to add in some snacks to help me get enough cals in. Some apples, carrots and peanut butter, nuts, PB on wheat bread. Other fruits and veggies. I'm very very very nervous about this! Im soooo scared that after this week when I weigh in, I'm going to see 194 on my scale or worse.. (cue scary music)... 200!!

Pray for me?? and Come visit me in the hospital if I gain and loose my mind or have a stroke?

GRRRRRRR! Frustrated!

and yes ladies and gentleman.... that was a growl!

Im sooooo frustrated with my weight loss this time around! Im such a yo-yo'er! I am on again and off again on the wieght loss wagon. But typically if I get on the wagon I can drop a good 15lbs in a month or so. Ive lost 45 total since starting in July of 2011. I lost 30lbs that go around in 3 months and kept it off until i started fertility treatments in 2012. I slowly creeped back up to the 200's and started my diet again in May of 2012 and was able to loose another 30lbs (some of it was weight i had gained back) in about 4 months. Lowest weight being 188. Now here I sit.... weight has creeped back on since my injectables cycle in November. I got back up to 196. Ive been doing what I always do when I need to lose weight. Stay around 1200 calories and watch my carb servings. Cut out sodas. Force water.... in almost 3 weeks.... im only down 3lbs!!!!

 Im STUCK!! And im working out harder than I have ever worked!! I do not understand! And honestly... if I cant lose weight doing everything that im doing... I just want to say... EFF THIS!!... and eat a couple dozen cupcakes and Reese's cups!! Maybe a few gallons of Dr. Pepper and Starbucks Frappuchino's drinks will drowned my sorrows? But seriously, what is the point in doing all of this if my scale is not going to budge?

Jealousy vs. Envy

 A recent article I saw shared on FB really hit home for me. It was actually about an app to disguise baby photos on your news feed with pictures of other things like puppies or seascapes or bacon?! Everyone loves bacon! Right? But anywho. . . It also shared the differences in jealousy and envy! I know a lot of outsiders will read my blog and think "ugh, she is a bad person" or "she is just jealous of these women who have children"

jeal·ous
Pronunciation: \ˈje-ləs\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English
1 a : intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness
2: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage 3: vigilant in guarding a possession

en·vy
Pronunciation: \ˈen-vē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural envies
Etymology: Middle English
1 : painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage 2 obsolete : malice 3 : an object of envious notice or feeling

The term jealous implies that I want to be that other person or I want to take away what they have. That's not how I feel at all. I don't want someone else's life or situation. And I don't want them to not have children. I would never wish this situation on anyone.

Envy is what I feel. And it's not necessarily bad thing. It simply means that I desire to have the same thing that these other women have. I want to have a baby too! It's an advantage that some women can enjoy motherhood and it's painful that I currently can't share in that enjoyment.

Envy is a tough emotion. Struggling to conceive is a tough situation. Others look at you like a bad person when you admit to envying someone who is pregnant or has children. You're wrong to feel that way. You shouldn't want what others have. You should be happy with the things that you do have. So you feel ashamed to share the thoughts and feelings with friends and family. But it's not that I'm unhappy with the things I have. I could write an almost endless list of things I've been blessed with that I'm thankful for. And I'm not wrong because there is something I want that I don't have. And I'm also not a bad person for feeling hurt or even a bit resentful towards people who already have these things. It's a terrible feeling when you want to be pregnant, to have a baby, to be a mother, to complete your family ... And literally everywhere you are, some one has that exact thing. Sometimes it feels like life is taunting you?! You go to Walmart to buy more supplements, and see a group of high school kids buying the new Justin Timberlake CD and 1 of the girls is obviously pregnant. Or go to the doctor for another test or labs, and there is a lady in the waiting room struggling with 3 kids and a car-seat. You go to the park to walk for exercise, hopefully to better your chances at conceiving, and there is a group of moms pushing their kids on the swings. Check Facebook... 98% of the posts are about what some one's child has done recently. Check Instagram 98% of the pictures are adorable babies doing adorable things. Some days it's literally a tight aching feeling right in the heart. One that travels right to the pit of your stomach. Some days it's tears immediately stinging your eyes. Or a lump in your throat. And the thought of... What if I never get to have a big pregnant belly? What if I never have children to pack to the doctors office? What if I never have children to play with at the park and push in a swing? What if I never get to hear that squeal of excitement?? Or have a baby to brag about on Facebook or share pictures of on Instagram? What if this never happens for us?

Imagine if you didn't have all the experiences that you share about and enjoy as a parent. Would you miss it?

Now would you tell me I'm just jealous and a bad person?

Vitamin D...Are you Deficient?

Yup, no cutesy or creative title for this one. Straight to the point I guess? Or maybe i'm just slacking.

I was reading a friends blog the other day ( http://notcrazyjusthypo.blogspot.com/ ) and one of her readers mentioned Vitamin D issues. That reminded me about my experience with Vitamin D and I want to share the little bit of info I have gathered about it.

Basically, contrary to popular belief, we don't get the majority of our Vitamin D from drinking milk or other foods, we get it from the sun. We adsorb it through our skin. And we, as a society, do not spend alot of time in the sun anymore. So its actually VERY common for Americans to suffer vitamin D deficiencies. Vitamin D is a steroid hormone that influences virtually every cell in your body and has been positively linked to health conditions ranging from cancer to heart disease. Including Infertility!!  Some signs of a Vitamin D Deficiency are fatigue, muscle aches, joint pain, insomnia, poor immune system, mood swings, and depression.

Vitamin D deficiency is very common in women with PCOS and can greatly increase your risk of infertility. Vitamin D can help to regulate the ratios of hormones in the body including progesterone and estrogen. also, women who have insulin resistance or diabetes along with their PCOS could have even lower numbers, as Metformin (commonly prescribed to treat these conditions) can leach vitamin D from our systems. A study i found of 67 infertile women showed that only 7% of them had normal levels of Vitamin D. The rest were either low or clinically deficient!! That's 93% that were below the normal levels!! 

Vitamin D levels can be checked by your Reproductive Endocrinologist, Fertility Specialist, OB/GYN or just your regular Primary Care Physician! Its important to be sure they are checking your Vitamin D3 and not D2.  I decided to have mine checked after a "cyster" in one of my forums informed me that after several failed cycles, including a failed IVF, she was tested for Vitamin D deficiency and sure enough was critically low. After treating the deficiency and starting a daily regimen to keep her levels normal, she was later able to conceive with oral medications alone! My PCP ran my test and after getting my results, started me on a script fro a high dose of 50,000iu Vitamin D  1x a week for 6 weeks. After that she said I could take a OTC supplement. I am currently taking a 4,000iu Vitamin D immunity complex  daily, that I buy at Walgreens. I have definitely noticed that when i take it regularly, i feel much better, I have more energy and just feel different. If i start missing doses I start to feel a little tired and lethargic again. It hasn't magically cured my infertility yet, but Im 100% sure that this is a key factor in why our cycles thus far have failed! Other ways to boost Vitamin D include adding more eggs, fish, and dairy to your diet or taking cod liver oil. Spending 20 minutes in the sun will also boost your bodies natural production of vitamin D3. Forget the sunscreen though since it will  block the ultraviolet light that produces Vitamin D. Being out in the sun for just a few minutes a day, you're body can make 10,000 to 25,000 IU of Vitamin D.

I recommend that everyone have their levels checked. Even if PCOS or Infertility are not issues for you. It can improve your moods, energy levels, immune system, PMS symptoms, irregular periods, joint pains, and is linked to SOOO many other health issues.

**http://natural-fertility-info.com/fertility-vitamin-d.html**for more information on Vit. D&Fertility

Fessing Up...

Well, I need to take a moment to come clean. . . . . I've quit the 30 Day Shred!

After Tuesdays exercise, my knee was REALLY giving me issues. Both felt puffy and jelly like. I chalked it up to sore muscles and kept on going. I made it to day 5 on Thursday. All day my right knee (the one I have a past injury with) was popping and cracking all day. I did that nights shred anyways. But Friday was worse. So I decided to take a "recovery day". It bothered me all weekend and despite 100% intention of re-starting Sunday night, my knees just can't do it. Too much jumping with the 1min intervals or jumping jacks and jumping rope. Plus the 1 minute intervals of push ups, that I have to do on my knees since my injured ankle cant support my weight.

I think that if I had breaks between days instead of 30 days straight in a row, maybe I could do it? I haven't 100% given up just yet. I think I plan to modify. Maybe M,W, & F doing the shred and going to Zumba classes on T&TH? Then the weekend to rest? I love the local Zumba class at the community center. I attended for a few months last year and enjoyed it sooo much! I'm excited to have a good friend to go with again.

Last week I was pretty down, still am. No real progress on the scale, despite all the exercise and eating good. I blew it big time Friday with poor eating (mainly because I was mad about no progress) and I didn't do much better over the weekend.
I skipped yesterdays workout as well due to a terrible migraine. But tonight, I am Zumba bound!!

I Need A Hobby...

I've been thinking... and that's never good! LOL :)

No really, sometimes it really is not good. When you think too much you think about the things you want to do, and that leads to the things you haven't done. Which a lot of times leads to things you want and don't have. And for me, that leads to babies and sadness. So. . .  I need a hobby.

During this "break" me and the hubby have talked about trying to strengthen our relationship. Focus more on where we are now and not on babies in the future. Do things. Have fun. Be a couple. I know some other ladies with infertility have told me similar things. Learning to get back to the here and now and not focus on "when we have a baby" is much harder than you think!!

As an infertile married couple. . . you're in a weird spot. The in-between. You are trying to have a family so you don't quite fit with the young, wild, and free bunch of friends you used to hang with before you decided to have kids. BUT, since your plans to have kids has stalled, you don't fit in with your friends who are parents either. You don't do much partying anymore since that lifestyle doesn't really fit in with you're desire to be pregnant and nurture a growing fetus. Shouldn't drink while taking metformin, it can mess up the blood sugar. Can't drink during the TWW either, there could be a baby in there!! BUT you can't load up the kids to take them to Chuck-E-Cheese's either. . . ya know, since you're kids don't quite exist. It's awkward being the one person at the 3rd birthday party without a child. The mom's don't really have much to talk with you about and the conversation can actually hurt on a bad day, because no you don't know how much the postpartum stretch marks suck, or how terrible the two's really are!! But you would like too!! 

So, finding things to do beside sitting at home and thinking too much is hard!
I would like to find a hobby! Maybe something that will be hard to continue once I'm pregnant and have a baby... one of those "enjoy this while you can" kind of things. Crocheting? Knitting? I also want to find things for me and the husband to do as a couple. Everyone always says "enjoy your alone time together while you can!" . . . we have ALOT of alone time. . . what can we do to make it more enjoyable? There are some things we have always talked about doing that we never quite fit in, that we plan to try harder at. We love to ride the motorcycle. I want to take more trips on it. We did a poker run last fall and I think we will plan on doing a few more of those too. Can't just take off on the motorcycle when I'm pregnant!! We like to go fishing. Saturday afternoon fishing trips sounds like a great thing to add to the schedule! Don't think a toddler is going to enjoy sitting quietly with a fishing pole!! Hubs has always wanted to buy a gun and learn to shoot. Maybe go to the gun range?? Could be fun and def not baby friendly. The hubs has also recently purchased some golf clubs. So, guess im going to learn to play?!

 --- SIDE NOTE--- FIND TIME TO RECONNECT WITH FRIENDS. BOTH WITH AND WITHOUT KIDS! SKIP THE METFORMIN AND GO HAVE A DRINK!! IT WONT KILL YOU AND YOU MAY HAVE A GREAT TIME!! AND IF ITS NOT A BAD DAY, GO PLAY WITH THE KIDDOS!! HANG WITH THE MOMMY FRIENDS ANYWAYS. GET MORE PRACTICE. GIRLS NIGHT!! MOMMY'S NEED A BREAK TOO!

Awareness...

Infertility and Miscarriage are such personal things! and all too often, we (those that are going through these situations), want to have our cake and eat it too. We want others to understand how we feel and what we are going through. But we don't want to share our stories because its personal. Calm down ladies, I'm not writing this in an attempt to force everyone to go out an announce their loss to all of Facebook. Or to "out" yourselves as infertile. I'm just stating a fact. People don't know how to respond to us or how to understand us, because they are not in our shoes and they are not exposed to stories like ours often enough. They don't know what its all about. They don't know how common it is. They don't know anyone who is dealing with it. They dont know. 

PCOS and another medical condition of mine, Factor 5, put me at high risk of miscarriage, If I were to have one, I'm allowed to grieve for the loss of my baby. No matter how early. 5 weeks? so what. This was my CHILD!! The baby I fought to conceive. And I will not be forced to hide my emotions and just "move on" because miscarriage makes people uncomfortable or because some people don't consider an early miscarriage to be a big deal.

I want to change that!! I want infertility and pregnancy loss in the spot light!!  I want others to see it for what it is. A medical condition and a BIG deal. Its not a personal problem that I should just deal with behind closed doors. It affects day to day life, even when I try hard not to let it. 

 April is National Infertility Awareness Week

The colors are light pink & light blue!! Wear them and show support!!

 

April 21-27 2012

 ______________________________________________ 

September Is PCOS Awareness Month

The color is Teal! Wear it proudly :)

Progress v.2

Starting Weight- 235
Lowest Weight- 188
Last Week- 193.0
Today- 192.3

Continuing to count calories using the my fitness pal app and stay right around 1200 calories. Ive done very good this week with that and have not gone over calories at all. Ive also tried to continue to avoid sweets and sodas. I started the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred program and have finished 5 days of that! Im pretty proud considering that I'm terribly out of shape and Sunday night, I literally had to stop and almost puked!!!

However, I'm frustrated and because of that, today I blew it! Tuesday I weighed and was down to 192.4 (YAY!!!) working out, good on calories.... weigh Wednesday and I've gained a pound! back up to 193.6!! Thursday down to 191.8!! still exercising and under on calories... this morning, I'm up a pound and back to 192 :(    and ofcourse im upset that im not steadily losing and I keep gaining even though I'm doing everything I can to lose! Im working my @ss off!! So today, angry, and PMS'ing... I've had several mini candy bars and a snack size bag of hot fries and a soda.