Where we are...

I've been slacking. Trying to just relax during the cycle and not overanalyze everything or worry myself to death. So I didn't get any blogging done, so lets get everyone caught up.

Well...Due to poor cycle timing we had to do a short round of birth control, and because of my high risk of blood clots (Factor V Leiden) I did Heparin injections 2x a day. Some of my lovely technicolor injection locations! Ouch, but all for the baby right? I mean it is training. I'm going to be doing these my entire pregnancy as well.

Once the cycle got started, we did a higher dose of the Gonal F 112.5mg and we had an amazing response. At trigger time we had 2 follicles that were pretty much guaranteed and 2 more that were possibly mature enough! My lining was the best it has ever been at 11.4mm! Everything was great! We went in for the IV Intralipids, our first time. It was so weird! The liquid is actually white! It looked like milk and was soooooo cold going in. 

 Our post wash numbers ended up with about 15million sperm at 70% motility.... that is really good for us! We were very hopeful. There were alot of prayers and fingers crossed! but in the end, we still were not pregnant. So now we are on the road to IVF and we need your help again. We're starting all over and we have a bigger goal. But we are confident that we are on the right path and hopeful that we will be able to raise the funds needed to try again...

Marching Ahead...

I was able to get the fluid ultrasound last week and I'm super excited to announce that my uterus is just as beautiful as ever (seriously my tech at FAM always says that)

 

 No adhesions, polyps, or endo seen. Everything looked great.

Dr. Dayal also saw what she at first thought was a cyst, but was actually a 15mm follicle on my right ovary. It was CD10 of another 7.5mg femara cycle! We have decided not to TTC until we can treat the NK cells, so we were not going to get monitoring or anything for this cycle, but the sneak peek was exciting to see. Im happy my body is still responding well to the meds. She talked with us briefly about NK cells and their success in treating them. She also agreed to let us do our 3rd IUI there with them and the IV Intralipids. This is our last shot before moving on to IVF, but we're happy to be getting it. She said that timing is a bit harder with intralids and IUI but that we could make it work. We will being going back to injections and getting the monitoring locally (sort of, my OB is still 1 hour away) and then we will need to come in several days prior to O/IUI for the intralipid IV. Whatever it takes! We're crossing our fingers that this was our missing piece!

We also will be going to SIRM in STL on Sunday for a seminar on IVF vs. IUI. They will talk about when each one is the best option and the odds and such of each working. Lots of time for questions and Dr. Dayal said she would be talking a bit on NK cells. So we're excited to get to learn more. Oh and they give away a free IVF at all seminars!! How awesome would that be?! Maybe luck will be on our side 

 We could use some baby dust!

Snapshots of our lives...

Just wanted to share some pictures from the last year or so :)

Dead End?!

2-6-2014
I've not said much because honestly, there isn't much to say... we're at a dead end it seems and are not sure what our next move is.

Apparently my current RE (Dr. Kutteh in Memphis) "doesn't believe in" NK cells as an issue in getting or staying pregnant. He doesn't test for it or treat it. His nurse called after we faxed in our results and said they had been reviewed and Dr. Kutteh wanted to continue with our cycle as planned. I was a bit shocked since to me, that was not an option! Proceed as planned when my NK levels are elevated and we've been told that means it attacks/kills embryos!!? She said she would talk to the doctor again and call me back. Less than 5 minutes later he called me personally but was very hateful, as if it was a waste of his time to even be talking to me about such nonsense and then proceeded to make my last cycle and all of my other ones sound like complete shit. He said THAT is why we are not pregnant, it has nothing to do with NK cells. He also mentioned my BMI still being above 30 and that more weight loss could help.... When at my LAST sit down appointment he bragged super HARD on my weight loss and wanted to try the 7.5mg femara instead of injections BECAUSE it was such a good loss!! My last cycle wasn't good?! We had 3 follicles on oral meds and in my voice-mail about my P4 the nurse said "your progesterone is 15.7 which is fantastic!!" I have it saved!! He even made it sound as though my injection cycle was not ideal response wise... if it was so shitty... why didnt they say "hey your response is shit! and cancel my IUI?!?! I was told we had 2 Good follicles around 18-21 and a possible around 15/16 at trigger! (i forgot the exact measurement) I think that was a very good response! 

We are very confused at this point in time and not sure what our plans are. Except that we will not be back to our current RE. Ive always liked them, so this actually kind of hurt! We will see Dr. Dayal for my Fluid ultrasound on the 13th. And we will talk to her more about the results and what we can do outside of IVF. But my understanding is that SIRM only does IVF cycles.

Update: 2-10-2014
This morning Dr. Kutteh called me singing a very different tune. He still does not believe in NK cells as an issue in pregnancy and miscarriage/implantation failure. But he wanted to review my results again and was very polite and friendly. He said that another patient had gotten some sketchy NK test results for free and now the lab was wanting $1800 for further tests. I told him that wasn't the case for us, but I do appreciate that he thought of us and wanted to be sure we were not in the same boat. He talked to me in a much friendlier tone about why he feels the way he does about NK cells and honestly, he has some valid points. He says that the research is all very new and controversial at this point. There are studies supporting both sides, but he is not convinced. He says in tests on women who have had a miscarriage it is true that results often show elevated NK cells, but that it can not be proven what came first. Are the levels elevated because of the lost pregnancy and the body responding. Or did the body attack and cause the miscarriage because of the elevated numbers. He also says that you can not differentiate between overall NK blood cells in the blood and those within the uterus. He feels that we have made a lot of progress and are on the right track, he doesn't want us to waste time chasing after this. He also said that if we wanted a second opinion he would be glad to refer us to someone for one.

Im not sure who or what we believe. We feel like Dr. Kutteh has made some valid points and I do appreciate that he took the time to call me this morning and was much more clear and polite. Im not sure If that is enough to make me want to continue cycles with him after the conversation on Thursday.

We do plan to talk with Dr. Dayal and get her thoughts, treatment options, information etc from someone who DOES believe in NK cells. We want her side of the story and what research supports this. I know our own personal research showed a lot of women with recurrent losses in the past having a successful pregnancy after treating the NK cells with intralipd infusions or steroids.

We have made the decision to go ahead and start femara this month, better late than never? It is CD7... not sure how this will work out, but it can't hurt! And we will see Dr Dayal for her side of things prior to ovulation. If we are convinced this is an issue for us, we can skip BD and just let the cycle work itself out with no chance of pregnancy. If we are not convinced, we will do TI at home. 

*Insert something catchy here*

Yea, I've got nothing on the whole "catchy title" front.

Today we finally got the results back on our Natural Killer Cell test and it was not the news we were hoping for. My count was 11.7
Ranges are:

Less than 8.5 - normal
8.5 to 10 - borderline
Above 10- abnormal

So basically, my body is preventing embryo implantation or attacking pregnancies because it sees them as a threat, like an infection or foreign body.

When we were told about autoimmune issues/NK cells and the test was suggested, I was interested and a bit relieved to have something new to test for. I felt reassured because Dr. Dayal was able to lay out the treatment for us. I really thought I was prepared for this. I spend a lot of time wondering WTH went wrong and how we are not pregnant when everything seems so right with a cycle. We just went through that this cycle.  

But I'm not sure I've ever been so wrong. I was anything and everything but relieved when I was told we were positive for this. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I wanted to puke. I wanted to cry. And my mind immediately went to "OMG how many babies has my body killed in the last 4 years??" I know that this is irrational and that we can not focus on thoughts like that. We can't worry about things that we can never know. But the idea that my body is attacking potential babies is beyond heart-wrenching. I can not even put into words how this makes me feel.

Every month that we get a BFN, it feels like I'm mourning the loss of what could have been. But we have always have the hope that we can try again. And we had made some pretty big steps forward recently. I was responding to oral meds, no need to do injects again in the near future, and my husbands SA was better so we were content to try IUI again. And we are always hopeful in TI cycles that maybe, just maybe, we will have one of those miracle cycles and get pregnant naturally. And now I think i'm mourning the loss of that?! I mean that is impossible now. My body rejects/attacks/kills pregnancies. It just feels so hopeless right now.

I know that there ARE treatments for this. SIRM in STL treats with intralipid-infusions prior to embryo transfers in IVF cycles and then again with a confirmed pregnancy. Sometimes more during the pregnancy as needed. But my understanding is that they only do IVF. And we are not ready financially to do that. It could be a very long time before we are. I have put in a phone call to my current RE in hopes that they have a similar plan of treatment that we can do with IUI. However, their website is concerning since they list the POA for autoimmune issues as "heparin and baby aspirin" I can not wrap my head around how this could possibly help me?!

I do plan to ask SIRM about treatment for the NK w/o doing an IVF cycle when we go there for the fluid ultrasound on Feb 13th. I also plan to hear my current RE out on how they would treat this & if the plan is in fact heparin, I will be bringing up intralipids. I hope that something works out for us somewhere.

But tonight my head is spinning with worst case scenarios and I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. Right now this feels like "the end" and like maybe we are out of options until we can afford to pay for IVF. Right now.... we need prayers. Lots of them.

Also, right now we need patience and understanding. Please be patient with me as im trying to process something that to me is tragic and life altering. Please be understanding that this isn't something I feel like I can just tuck away and worry about at a later time. Please don't try to make me feel like this is not a big deal or can be easily fixed. "It's treatable" is not a consolation. Please do not imply that this can be fixed with a little bit of religion and a hug. We appreciate prayers. And I always appreciate a big hug. But please just understand that those are not cures. If you don't know what to say... just say that. I don't know what to say either. I honestly don't know that anything could make me feel better.

Right now I am scared and heart broken. I'm not okay... and sometimes it is OKAY to not be okay. 

Cycle Update

Well, for everyone following along, sorry for the lack of an update this cycle. I was hoping to report all of our test results from SIRM in one post, but seems my NK labs are taking ages and now the January cycle is ending

Newest Semen Analysis results were a big improvement. Still not out of the Male Factor Infertility category, but much better than our original results and a sign that hubby's weight loss and the vitamins are working. A great sign for IUI attempts!

Volume- 5.6mL from 4.6
Count- 24.4m/mL from 20
Motility- 42% from 33%
Morphology- same at 3%
Total Motile Count up to 57million from 28million!

We found that my current RE had tested for my AMH on our last set of labs and it was 4.6ng/mL which is very good! It means that my ovarian reserve is in the "optimal" level and I will likely produce a lot of follicles with the right stimulation.

We had some minor annoyances with getting my follicle scan done locally to avoid driving the 2 hours to the RE, but all in all, it was done and I was really happy with the results we saw on 7.5mg femara! I'm so used to my short surges that I jumped the gun a bit, I had an almost +OPK and was worried about missing it, but at the scan we actually were not at O range yet. We did however have 3 good sized follicles

Right- 15mm
Right-14mm
Left- 15mm

We had decided to skip the ovidrel and IUI this month to just wait it out and see how everything played out. With the new SA, we were a bit more comfortable with TI at home. CD16 we had a +OPK and temp rise on CD17 with a lingering +OPK! Timing seemed to be really good! ! My moodiness this cycle was OFF THE CHARTS!! I just knew that the progesterone levels had to be better than in the past. Hopes were SOOOOO high this month. At 7DPO we got the p4 drawn and It came back the highest ever at 15.7!!

Everything this cycle was feeling soo positive. So many good signs. My husband had an adorable dream about our baby. He was telling me about it all sleepy-like that morning. He says she is a girl. Really felt like this month was going to be the month. Ive been extra anxious about the NK labs since I really was feeling like we were going to be pregnant. However, yesterday I started spotting along with a 12DPO negative test. Today my temp took a nose dive off the cliff. So, 13DPO and I'm pretty sure that Aunt Flow is on her way any time now.

Crushed is an understatement. I forgot how much worse this sucks when you are doing treatments and hopeful. I can't really put into words what I'm wanting to say. I don't have any idea how to describe this feeling. I just keep asking "why?"

Why didn't it work?
Why aren't pregnant?
Why not us?

I just do not understand how everything can go so right, and then not result in a pregnancy. I feel like i know this process so well. I know what to expect. I know what warrants a good response. I know how the cycle works. But I don't know what keeps going wrong. What isn't working the way it should.

Today I'm glad to be home for a snow day, because honestly, I didn't want to leave my bed. I wish Tom could have been home too. I just want to sit and cry and mourn the loss of this baby that never was. I know that sounds dramatic to some of you, and that is okay. Because to the people who have been here, they will understand exactly the feeling I'm talking about.

So once AF shows up for good, I will call my RE and we will prepare to try again. Because no matter how heartbroken we are. No matter how much this part hurts... we can't give up. We can't let it stop us from moving forward.

Sigh of relief...

Exhale!

Our appointment today with Dr. Dayal at SIRM St. Louis went very well. Her and her staff were super friendly and we got all the information that we had came for despite a big oopsie with our records not being sent over from FAM in time. She was very positive and although she seems to lean towards IVF (because as we all know, it is better odds) she did not seem to feel like IUI was hopeless for us and mentioned the old standby of 3 IUI before moving on. So it is very likely that if the Femara works, we will give it one more go. She talked with us about her opinion that based on my regular AFs, I likely have more weak natural O's than I think and that my LH just isn't high enough or the surge is too short. This is a good thing and she feels that we will likely need less stimming. She mentioned Micro-IVF on her own and that we may be candidates for it if my AMH comes back good like she suspects (PCOS+ under 30yrs old). She wanted to get a repeat SA and the Hubby went ahead and did that today. She also mentioned that although we have no autoimmune history, she would like to test me for Natural Killer Cells that could be preventing implantation. She said that with the occasional natural O and our lengthy med cycle history, it just feel like maybe something else is going on. She also wants a SHG to be sure that sonething isn't a polyp or other issue in the uterus. We got the NKC lab work today. We will be scheduling the SHG for next cycle along with the AMH & basic labs. Overall we're really happy with the appointment and the information we received, including pricing for conventional and MicroIVF.  We would feel 100% comfortable at SIRM when we get ready for IVF and are anxious to get our labs and test results to see if IVF is the next step. 

With this new information, we decided for certain to forgo any IUI until we know my results from the SHG and NKC tests. No use in wasting money when these things could cause it to fail. However, once those results are back, we will do atleast one more IUI with our current RE (if the femara works) We plan to get an u/s when we get a +OPK and then a p4 to judge my response & continue the femara and TI in the mean time.

We're torn on how we feel about the results to the NKC test and the SHG, bcus clearly we hate to have more issues, but at the same time, natural killer cells or a polyp preventing implantation, would give us something to blame for the ovulation cycles not resulting in pregnancy. & both are treatable!! If everything is clear and no NKC, we're still sitting here scratching our heads wondering why with 3 good follies and 27mil sperm in an IUI, we had NO baby. 

Does that make sense to anyone besides us?!?

Here Goes Nothing!

Welp, nothing really funny, insightful, or witty to say tonight. Just an update.

Tomorrow is the free consult with SIRM St. Louis we received as a consolation in the I Believe Contest. We're excited to get a fresh perspective from Dr. Dayal, although we have no issues with our current RE. He and his staff have been amazing. It's just going to be interesting to see if her thoughts are different and what she recommends.  We are very interested on her opinion of IUI as a treatment plan for us and if she feels another could be successful. We are hoping to get more information on Micro-IVF and IVF in general as well. We would love to hear that IUI could work since It is far more affordable than IVF, but when push comes to shove, If it is unlikely to work, and IVF costs upwards of $15,000... it's best not to knowingly waste money. Or atleast that is how we feel about it.

So fingers crossed for good news and new insights. I'm nervous and anxious as usual! Dreading this drive for sure!!

Side note, I think for this current 7.5mg femara cycle, we have decided to use it as a test cycle and just see how it works itself out. We will do the OPK's and I've been temping. Go in to my OB with a + for a follicle scan, but forgo the IUI and then get the p4 labs following O, if there is one.  We want to see how my body responds to the femara, since in the past it was never enough. But we are hopeful that with the most recent weight loss and a few natural O's, that I will respond better!! And if it I do and we are reassured of the odds, we will plan to do a 7.5mg femara cycle with IUI next round

New Year, New Plan...

We had our first appointment with our current RE in over a year yesterday. It went pretty well. I forgot to ask some things, but I'm pretty happy with how things went.
I had planned to talk about.

• New lab work, since I've lost more weight.
• His opinion on our IUI/Inject cycle
• Is it worth it to try another IUI
• To try Femara  in the mean time, at a higher dose (7.5mg ideally)
• Prices on IVF and financing options.

What happened?

• He went over just about anything and everything we have done. My past Femara cycles and p4's 
• My weight loss since he first started seeing me and bragged a lot on me. That part was nice because I'm actually up about 8lbs since the Holidays and was feeling pretty shitty about it.
• My husbands SA results and the post-wash numbers from our two IUI's. He seemed pleased with the improvements in the last numbers and explained more about what they like to see in post-wash samples. 
• He said that since I've reported a few spontaneous natural ovulations he would like to try Femara again but maybe 3 pills instead of 2 (that would be 7.5mg!!)
• He would plan for us to do an IUI but we would do OPKs at home and one ultrasound locally with our OB when we got a positive. Then trigger and come in for the IUI. He will also get orders for a p4 at our OB following the IUI.

He was so positive and encouraging that I just couldn't bring the mood down by asking about IVF. We will save that for a later date. Me and my husband have discussed things and we think that we will cancel the IUI for this month and just let the 7.5mg Femara play out to see how it works. If we see good results, then in February's cycle, we may give the IUI one more go!! We are curious to get a follicle scan and just see what is going on in there with just the femara since we were never monitored on it previously. So we're up in the air as to if we will cancel the IUI before or after we get a sneak peek!! Also undecided on if we will take the Ovidrel Trigger when we get the +OPK or just see if my body goes on its own. I will update when we know!!

Last night was CD4 so we started and Im excited to see where this goes!! Just happy to be doing something :)

Crying Over Spilled Milk...

...or fingernail clippers! Yup, you read that right, crying over fingernail clippers. That was me Saturday afternoon. I promise I can explain!

It's one of those, the last straw kind of stories. It wasn't really the fact that I just spent 30 minutes hunting all over my house for fingernail clippers, only for my husband to find them in the very first place I looked (btw this is when the tears started pouring). It wasn't even really the fact that my house is a mess and I'm so frustrated with never being able to find anything and trying to get it organized amidst Holiday chaos.

It had a little to do with hormones and a lot to do with Aunt Flow. So, as we've discussed, she is pretty regular for me. Even annovulatory cycles for me end with a lining shed/breakthrough bleed. Whatever you want to call it. And until I was TTC, I never knew it wasn't the real deal. So every 28-30 days, wanted or not, AF shows up... until this month. Day 30...31...32 I barely even noticed, I mean im not on any meds. Im still on "break" technically and still not tracking temps. We didn't try to time anything plus with the male factor issues, would it matter?? But then 34?!? I was confused. Could I be? No!! ...35! Should we test?! Is something wrong? We decided to wait one more day and then If no murder scene, hubby would go get us a test!!

This brings us back to Saturday morning. Woke up. No pool of blood... still no cramps... none of my usual symptoms, just like all week! That little bit of excitement kicks in! My heart was racing. I woke up Tom and sent him off to the store. I know his hopes were up to since he got up willingly and was heading out the door in no time. Got my trusty test cup (my TTC ladies likely have one too!) And as I was finishing up, there it was. That little tint of pink. And my heart sank. It's like a punch in the gut really. All the breath is just knocked out of you. And ofcourse then i'm kicking myself for even being hopeful to begin with. Why do I do this?? I texted the hubby and told him nvm, come back home. And I put on my brave face. He just looked soooo sad coming in the house. He is usually the tough one. It just broke my heart.

But we do what we do best, and we just go on about the day and we move on to the next cycle. We eat waffles, we watch TV under our blanket on the couch. He plays his Playstation. I browse Facebook... cute baby picture... status about baby doing something funny... someone is in labor... someone is pregnant!!... funny baby picture... status about baby being cute... someone's officially got a bump!! and so on. I decide to go take a shower. I break a finger nail on the faucet (ouch!). Ofcourse the crooked jagged nail is driving me bonkers. It's freezing. The house is a mess. I can't find the leggings im looking for. Nail is snagging on everything I touch. Grrrrrrr must fix it! So the hunt begins. And we all know how that part of the story ends. With me on the couch in tears, seemingly crying over a damn pair of fingernail clippers!!

In love with a child, we haven't yet met..

 2013 had a lot of ups and a lot of good memories made, but every year that passes is bittersweet, because we are still waiting for our miracle baby. We are hopeful that 2014 will be the year our prayers are answered. Please help us to share our story and share our #gofundme web page. Help us to reach others & make this dream come true! We'll do anything we can to have a baby, and right now, that means asking for your help. #teambabyhouseholder

www.gofundme.com5kb3xc