As I've shared about, infertility can put you in a very dark place. It can literally be a vacuum and suck the fun & joy out of anything and everything around you. The obvious things such as a friend or family member getting pregnant... *schwoop* (thats my sucking sound effect) No joy because its unfair and it's not you & the green jealousy monster takes over. Mother's Day, another obvious one *schwoop* no joy because despite all your pain, tears, and money... You're still not a mother and this is the day it is rubbed in your face. Birthdays *schwoop* another year with no baby to show for it. But also alot of days and events that aren't so obvious. It can suck the fun out of a pretty day...*schwoop*... All your FB friends are taking their babies to the park to play or playing outside. Family BBQ's when all your cousins are there with their children *schwoop*! The birthdays of children born while you were TTC *schwoop* ... children you hoped your baby could be friends with and grow up with. All getting older. Day to Day there are so many things that pile up to bring it to your attention that you are STILL childless. Things no one even thinks about. Anywho, I said all of that to say that it's a sad, dark place and the longer you are there, the darker it is. It grows. Festers. Takes over. You become consumed with it and its able to steal more joy from you. With this forced break due to finances I made the promise to myself that I was going to dig out of this. I've taken a break from all things TTC, I can honestly say I have no idea what my BBT is for today or even what cycle day I'm on. I'm soooo much less stressed. I'm spending time with my husband. I've gone out. I've had some very memorable nights!! I've made a few new friends. I'm feeling better. Im avoiding FB some. I'm not following other people's journeys bcus it hurts too much, although they know I care and I pray for them daily. I hope they all get their BFP and leave me far behind. I'm doing okay here for right now! Can I tell you a secret?! SEX.... Yes Sex... Is FUN! Not baby making, baby dancing or doing the deed. None of that mess. JUST sex & It's spontaneous & fun! So I've taken a huge leap forward in that aspect of my life & my blogging is a bit limited bcus I can't very well blog about my journey when I'm not really on it at the moment. Bear with me, we WILL be back at it some day and I will have lots to share.
Now for the steps back....
I am still very stuck on my weight loss and I've become a bit consumed with my weight. Very down on myself and stressed. I've put on clothes and CRIED! So...I decided to STOP obsessing over things. I've come a long way. I'm much healthier than I once was. And I can't base my satisfaction with myself on a number on a scale or the size of my pants. I was feeling great. No baby stress. No weight stress. Wearing outfits I hadn't worn in awhile. Trying to be confident that I'm "curvy" but I can still be beautiful.... I'm going on a mini-vacation and Its my birthday (and I didn't cry about not being pregnant!!!) and I decided I needed some summer clothes... *schwoop*.... Damn! Two steps back! Shorts suck!! Summer clothes suck!! I'm still fat. I'm still rolly & I still hate my body. Losing 45lbs did not make swimsuit shopping or buying shorts any easier. I hvnt felt this bad in a long time! I just wanna wear a tank and jean shorts without a muffin top!! I wanna feel cute & curvy.... I just wanna cut off all this fat that I can't get rid of!! at this point I'm sooo frustrated that I just wish I had the self control to be anorexic! And I of all people, working in mental health, know how illogical and dangerous that is. But the thought has crossed my mind several times. Of course I could never do it!! Being fat upsets me. And being upset makes me want chocolate and pizza rolls!! Ooooh and root beer floats :/
Two steps back!!
Don't drop anchor in the ugly place - I'm glad you're having some fun. Sex for fun (and not profit) is amazing. I miss you and I hope things keep looking up for you.
ReplyDelete**nod** Yup...uh huh...word to your mother...all that good stuff that means "I agree"! I'm so proud of you for resisting camping out in that low place and living your life! I may even be a little jealous of it b/c I'm the opposite of you right now. TTC is every breath I take, every move I make, etc. And the weight loss...whew...back up in a place I never wanted to be again. Today was day 2 of being back on track and I've done good! I feel focused...we'll see how long it lasts, lol!
ReplyDeleteTry not to be so hard on yourself about ANY of this. TTC and weight in general suck, but they don't define Stephanie. And the Stephanie I know and love is compassionate with a side of feisty and has a heart bigger than the moon. Keep on keeping on and stay out of the dark place as much as you can.
<3 here when you need me...
@Justine -I miss you and all of the ladies from out lil convo. Just really taking time away. and i realized that I couldn't do it halfway. I had to go all or nothing. you ladies are amazing and i do check in from time to time and catch up on messages to see how you all are doing!! Feel free to message me with pregnancy updates!!
ReplyDelete@Lindsey -you're amazing and i love you lots! Just FYI! you always make me feel better, and allow me to be a grumpy pants! You are doing just fine, but its 100% okay to take a break!! I know what its like to be consumed by TTC and not have a thought in my head that didnt some way connect to it or babies or sadness over not having babies!! Its not a happy place! I know we feel a time crunch when we are racing our biological clocks and i know you are a bit older than me... but there is ALWAYS time to stop and regain your sanity. A few cycles to just relax and catch your breath and feel normal!! i used to think that this wasnt possible. But it IS possible!
I just read your entire blog. I understand what you are going through. I feel like I'm losing all my friends over this. I love my friends, but obviously when they all become parents most of the conversation is about their children- and I have nothing to offer or relate what they are going through :-( Baby Dust to you xxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to read everything. Im glad you liked it and appreciate the kind words. Its so hard finding that happy place where you can bear to hear all the kid stuff, much less finding where you fit in with all those baby/kid convos that you can't relate to as a non-parent. Baby dust to you aswell! ~.*.~.*.~
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