MIA....

So, I haven't posted in awhile. Just kinda down and no real feeling to put into words. Frustrated with the whole break situation. Frustrated with pregnancy announcements. Frustrated with trying to NOT think about babies and to stay busy with others things (which is impossible btw). and Frustrated with my weight loss!! I just haven't had anything to say worth sharing and just haven't wanted to write anything. I don't want my blog to be all doom and gloom and negative postings about how miserable I am. So, I'm kinda trying to wait all this out and see if I can regain a more positive outlook and attitude. Maybe I can find some more educational/informative things to post about??

On the weight loss:

I started 1400 calories Thursday night, did 1400 Friday as well.... I was stuck hovering between 193.8 and 193 even..... and on Saturday, after upping my intake... as I feared, I had gained!! i was 195.6!!! Needless to say I was horrified and I am back to 1200 calories a day. Trying to stick to my exercise routine. Ive been doing Zumba T&Th at the community center and I'm adding in walking at work and starting Zumba with a co-worker on M, W, & F soon hopefully. I was down to 192.4 on Tuesday. I wont weigh again until Friday for my official weight loss progress update.

On the TTC:

We do finally have a tiny bit in savings for the next cycle. Its not enough to even make a small dent in the cost, but I feel a little better knowing that its there, and hopefully we can add to it and I can start to breathe a little easier. I have this terrible sinking feeling that we are never going to have a child of our own. I'm not sure how to explain the feeling.... its very strange and Ive never felt this before. I think its just the reality that we're nearing the end of what science can do for us. After so many failed IUI's.... with male issues involved as well as my issues.... there isn't much else that can be done. Its IVF. and there is nothing after IVF really. So I'm just feeling very uneasy and scared!! I'm also feeling like I don't want to talk about babies or TTC very much. I'm not doing anything really to give us a chance at conceiving, so I don't even want to talk about it. I want to have a plan in place for me, so that we can try again sometime this summer. But other than that, don't ask me questions. I'm not charting. I don't want to talk about it.

But, I'm not giving up just yet on the weight loss... I'm going to continue my exercise and my 1200 calories and see what happens! & we're not giving up on conceiving either, we're just on hold for awhile, which sucks and makes it feel like we have given up. :)