Im a Christian. Im wishy-washy on denomination and have attended churches of all different kinds, but I firmly believe in God and in the power of prayer. My husband is the same. Im not going to preach at anyone or force my religion on anyone. If you believe in a different God(s) than me, that is fine. If you choose not to believe, that too, is your choice. That is not what this is about.
What I want to talk about is the need for some people, when reading my blog or my Facebook posts about Infertility, or even face to face, to tell me things like
"It's in Gods hands"
"It's up to God"
"It will happen in Gods time"
"Things happen when they are meant to happen"
"God will give you a baby when its right"
Things of that nature. And they are nice sentiments. I understand that no one means harm when they say them and they feel they are instilling hope and encouragement in us not to give up on God. But these things are actually quite hurtful. They imply that by pursuing treatment we are in fact giving up on God. That we don't have faith in or respect for his timing and plan. And that we are rushing to do things that aren't meant to happen yet. To me, they also imply that we are not struggling with a medical condition but simply an inability to be patient and wait on God. That our God is intentionally forcing us to wait on his timing and suffer through this heartbreak.
And im not sure who your God is.... but mine does not cause suffering. My God would never intentionally put me through this type of pain and heartache. We believe that we are simply a victim of circumstance. We both have medical problems that interfere with our ability to get pregnant and God is not a part of that. God is here in this struggle with us. Not causing it. He is there to carry us when we feel like we can't keep moving forward. He gives me the strength to just keep trying. He has blessed us with the amazing support system we have and the friends we have met along the way. I feel like, if anything, we have been guided towards the doctors that we have seen and the treatments we are pursuing.
Sometimes God works through the hands of others. It's not hard for people to accept this when it comes to the idea of a good Samaritan doing CPR in a Walmart parking lot until help arrives, or the ER doctor who is able to stabilize a person and get them to surgery. We can easily believe that God works alongside surgeons and that God is with cancer patients who are receiving chemo. But when you start talking about babies, people seem appalled that you are going against God by seeking a doctors help. This is hurtful.
Should the cancer patients just wait on God to cure their cancer without medical intervention?
Should that ER doctor remain hands off until God stabilizes the person instead?
Should anyone knowing CPR just twiddle their thumbs in hope that God will step in instead?
No!!! God performs all kinds of miracles. Some are like the ones in the Bible where it is plain to see it was God doing all the work. But other times his miracles are more subtle and he may not get all the glory. And his miracles happen through the lives and work of others. Sometimes there is no magical pregnancy out of the blue for an infertile woman. Sometimes her body does not just suddenly work and after 15 years they get pregnant. Sometimes God answers these prayers by placing the couple in the hands of a skilled doctor. A few pills and some OPKs can be answered prayers. Sometimes God is working through the ultrasound tech who is monitoring the injectible stimulation process and the skilled eyes of the tech doing a sperm wash for IUI. Sometimes those blessing are conceived in a petri dish under a microscope. It doesn't mean that God isn't involved just because science and medicine are.
Infertility in itself is a test of faith. It can be easy to feel like God isn't with you in this situation or that you have done something wrong and he is punishing you. It is so easy to get angry with him for not just miraculously handing you a baby. To be angry that others are getting pregnant while you still can't. I know couples who no longer believe in God based on the thinking that "It will happen in God's time" and after 15 years at 40+ they are still not parents. They feel that God must not want this for them. God must not be listening to them. If God answers everyone's prayers but isn't answering theirs, then they can no longer believe in his existence.
This is not my God. This is not how God wants us to portray him to others. This is not the kind of thinking that Christians should teach to others and these are not the right things to say to a couple pursuing fertility treatments after years of struggle. I understand you may not mean for comments to hurt, only to help. So let me help you out. Try...
"God is with you in this struggle"
"I will be praying that God grant you strength"
"I hope that this is the answer to your prayers"
"I will be praying for you during your treatments"
"God will be watching over your doctors during this procedure"
Anything that instills faith without belittling our need for medical interventions.
I want to reiterate that infertility is a medical condition!!! There are disorders and diagnoses with NAMES! immune disorders, PCOS, Endometriosis, varicoceli, blocked tubes, low sperm count, motility, and morphology. They are all medical conditions that can make pregnancy unlikely or even impossible without ART. It has nothing to do with timing and everything to do with reproductive systems that for one reason or another are not functioning as they should. Please understand, infertility is a medicalcondition. Please understand our need to seek medical interventions with God by our side.
My nanny shared a very similar story with me once after several upsetting comments about waiting on Gods timing had me worried I shouldn't be doing the treatments and was upsetting God. http://epistle.us/inspiration/godwillsaveme.html
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