Birth Control & Belly Bruising

**disclaimer: I like to be open & honest on my blog. It's like a diary sometimes. It's not meant to offend. But be prepared for sometimes colorful language, information you may find gross, and graphic photos as that relate to infertility/reproduction** 

For your typical IVF cycle, there is like a "pre-cycle" leading up to it. Our RE described it as like a system reset. Or like rebooting your computer?! Basically you take birth control pills to shut down the typical reproductive cycle. Everything is kinda in limbo until you finish them and start the stimulation meds.

Unfortunately for me, BCP has ALWAYS made me terribly sick. Just overwhelming nausea, headaches, and it's a migraine trigger. I started out taking them at night, only to realize that was not going to help with my new Midnight work schedule. So I slowly worked them back to AM doses. I'm making it through work now, but 4pm like clock work, I awake from a dead sleep with the urgent need to puke, which I never do! I'm counting down to that last dose!!

Another unfortunate fact, I have a blood clotting disorder, Factor V Leiden, so as a precaution I have to take a blood thinner when on hormones like BCP which can increase clot risks. I'm doing Heparin 2x a day as I did in a past cycle. This should have been pretty simple. I've done them before, it's a simple process, thin med, tiny insulin syringe. Easy peasy!! Only this time I opted for a local pharmacy who had pre-filled syringes. Sounds easier right?! WRONG!! I left with a "Carpuject System" which I'm assuming was created by Satan himself! It didn't even include needles! I had to go back to the pharmacy and BUY them. Basically you add extra steps because you have to load the cartridge into the adapter & then attach your needles. This thing is bulky and the plunger is flimsy! It makes injecting super awkward!! & that first injection? Holy Shit ya'll!! The direction stated it's supposed to have an air bubble, not to tap it out! Well, I felt every bit of that "bubble" go into my stomach! & the bruising! Oh my gosh! I got bruises last time, I mean it's expected when you're actively thinning your blood. But on dose #1?! And it was huge, and black, and UGLY! 

I did have a stroke of brilliance after about 2 weeks, when I was just wishing I had some insulin syringes to draw this mess out and forget the Carpuject! I remembered a good friend and fellow "Cyster" who had sent me some leftover supplies from her last IVF, which included a bag on unused syringes for her PIO! I'm currently drawing out my heparin, swapping to my smaller needles, and my injections are back to nearly painless (it aches a bit after) and minimal bruising much more like I expected! When it's time for refills (soon!) I'll be requesting vials and syringes!! Not pre-filled cartridges! 

I also had a second fluid ultrasound of my uterus as a pre-requisit, since my last one was well over a year ago. Basically they fill the uterus with fluid so it can be seen on ultrasound & check for abnormalities. I'm very glad we did since a polyp was discovered! Having it there can cut our success rate by as much as 20%. Polyps are just masses of tissue. A lot of the time leftover from past menstrual cycles. Non-cancerous. But can prevent implantation of embryos. Luckily we can get it removed and it shouldn't effect our IVF schedule. Scheduled that for Jan 6th! Small surgical procedure, takes like 15mins. No real incisions, they'll go in vaginally & I'll be under anesthesia. More updates on that later!!

Quick Catch Up!

I've been intending to brush the dust off of our Infertility Blog for awhile now, seems it's now or never! HA!

If you don't know us personally, you've missed a lot! I'm so sorry for abandoning ship! Let's play catch up before we get to the BIG news!

March 22nd 2015 something amazing happened. Most of you who know us personally, already know that, despite completely forgetting that I had pre-registered us for another IVF seminar at our fertility clinic, (Sher Institute of Reproductive Medicine STL) we loaded up in the car, late, and made the 3 hours drive! It's so surreal! My husband, who never remembers these types of things, just woke up that Sunday morning like "um,We're supposed to be in STL today" and man was he RIGHT! See, they do these seminars from time to time at their various clinics, and they're very informative. I registered for this one because I had seen they would be talking some about NKC's, autoimmune issues, and intralipids! The first time slot had actually filled up and they had opted to open up a second sitting and then a third. We definitely were not going to make it to our original slot! By another miracle, I was able to get in touch with out Care Coordinator, despite her being busy setting things up, and get us switched to a later time slot! Each couple that attends receives a packet of information and one ticket to write their names on for a drawing.

On March 22nd 2015 our ticket drawn as the winner of a **FREE** IVF cycle!!! This is a blessing that we could never have imagined receiving. Something woke my husband up, Something told him that we had to be at that seminar! Something convinced me that we should make that drive even though it wasn't our first seminar and might not have much new information. We feel like God wanted us there in those seats. There in that moment, where he made a miracle happen. 

We are responsible for outside costs such as medications, per-requisite testing and procedures, but the IVF itself is provided! We dusted off the GoFundMe, did a few fundraisers. We have been blessed with amazing friends and family who are eager to help us. We were able to follow through on the t-shirt suggestion and I'm still in love with our design! 

 

So, now for the BIG news.... IVF is happening NOW! January 2016! More to come in subsequent posts!!

It really happened, it wasn't just a dream! You can view the video here: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152640189131761

Where we are...

I've been slacking. Trying to just relax during the cycle and not overanalyze everything or worry myself to death. So I didn't get any blogging done, so lets get everyone caught up.

Well...Due to poor cycle timing we had to do a short round of birth control, and because of my high risk of blood clots (Factor V Leiden) I did Heparin injections 2x a day. Some of my lovely technicolor injection locations! Ouch, but all for the baby right? I mean it is training. I'm going to be doing these my entire pregnancy as well.

Once the cycle got started, we did a higher dose of the Gonal F 112.5mg and we had an amazing response. At trigger time we had 2 follicles that were pretty much guaranteed and 2 more that were possibly mature enough! My lining was the best it has ever been at 11.4mm! Everything was great! We went in for the IV Intralipids, our first time. It was so weird! The liquid is actually white! It looked like milk and was soooooo cold going in. 

 Our post wash numbers ended up with about 15million sperm at 70% motility.... that is really good for us! We were very hopeful. There were alot of prayers and fingers crossed! but in the end, we still were not pregnant. So now we are on the road to IVF and we need your help again. We're starting all over and we have a bigger goal. But we are confident that we are on the right path and hopeful that we will be able to raise the funds needed to try again...

Marching Ahead...

I was able to get the fluid ultrasound last week and I'm super excited to announce that my uterus is just as beautiful as ever (seriously my tech at FAM always says that)

 

 No adhesions, polyps, or endo seen. Everything looked great.

Dr. Dayal also saw what she at first thought was a cyst, but was actually a 15mm follicle on my right ovary. It was CD10 of another 7.5mg femara cycle! We have decided not to TTC until we can treat the NK cells, so we were not going to get monitoring or anything for this cycle, but the sneak peek was exciting to see. Im happy my body is still responding well to the meds. She talked with us briefly about NK cells and their success in treating them. She also agreed to let us do our 3rd IUI there with them and the IV Intralipids. This is our last shot before moving on to IVF, but we're happy to be getting it. She said that timing is a bit harder with intralids and IUI but that we could make it work. We will being going back to injections and getting the monitoring locally (sort of, my OB is still 1 hour away) and then we will need to come in several days prior to O/IUI for the intralipid IV. Whatever it takes! We're crossing our fingers that this was our missing piece!

We also will be going to SIRM in STL on Sunday for a seminar on IVF vs. IUI. They will talk about when each one is the best option and the odds and such of each working. Lots of time for questions and Dr. Dayal said she would be talking a bit on NK cells. So we're excited to get to learn more. Oh and they give away a free IVF at all seminars!! How awesome would that be?! Maybe luck will be on our side 

 We could use some baby dust!

Snapshots of our lives...

Just wanted to share some pictures from the last year or so :)

Dead End?!

2-6-2014
I've not said much because honestly, there isn't much to say... we're at a dead end it seems and are not sure what our next move is.

Apparently my current RE (Dr. Kutteh in Memphis) "doesn't believe in" NK cells as an issue in getting or staying pregnant. He doesn't test for it or treat it. His nurse called after we faxed in our results and said they had been reviewed and Dr. Kutteh wanted to continue with our cycle as planned. I was a bit shocked since to me, that was not an option! Proceed as planned when my NK levels are elevated and we've been told that means it attacks/kills embryos!!? She said she would talk to the doctor again and call me back. Less than 5 minutes later he called me personally but was very hateful, as if it was a waste of his time to even be talking to me about such nonsense and then proceeded to make my last cycle and all of my other ones sound like complete shit. He said THAT is why we are not pregnant, it has nothing to do with NK cells. He also mentioned my BMI still being above 30 and that more weight loss could help.... When at my LAST sit down appointment he bragged super HARD on my weight loss and wanted to try the 7.5mg femara instead of injections BECAUSE it was such a good loss!! My last cycle wasn't good?! We had 3 follicles on oral meds and in my voice-mail about my P4 the nurse said "your progesterone is 15.7 which is fantastic!!" I have it saved!! He even made it sound as though my injection cycle was not ideal response wise... if it was so shitty... why didnt they say "hey your response is shit! and cancel my IUI?!?! I was told we had 2 Good follicles around 18-21 and a possible around 15/16 at trigger! (i forgot the exact measurement) I think that was a very good response! 

We are very confused at this point in time and not sure what our plans are. Except that we will not be back to our current RE. Ive always liked them, so this actually kind of hurt! We will see Dr. Dayal for my Fluid ultrasound on the 13th. And we will talk to her more about the results and what we can do outside of IVF. But my understanding is that SIRM only does IVF cycles.

Update: 2-10-2014
This morning Dr. Kutteh called me singing a very different tune. He still does not believe in NK cells as an issue in pregnancy and miscarriage/implantation failure. But he wanted to review my results again and was very polite and friendly. He said that another patient had gotten some sketchy NK test results for free and now the lab was wanting $1800 for further tests. I told him that wasn't the case for us, but I do appreciate that he thought of us and wanted to be sure we were not in the same boat. He talked to me in a much friendlier tone about why he feels the way he does about NK cells and honestly, he has some valid points. He says that the research is all very new and controversial at this point. There are studies supporting both sides, but he is not convinced. He says in tests on women who have had a miscarriage it is true that results often show elevated NK cells, but that it can not be proven what came first. Are the levels elevated because of the lost pregnancy and the body responding. Or did the body attack and cause the miscarriage because of the elevated numbers. He also says that you can not differentiate between overall NK blood cells in the blood and those within the uterus. He feels that we have made a lot of progress and are on the right track, he doesn't want us to waste time chasing after this. He also said that if we wanted a second opinion he would be glad to refer us to someone for one.

Im not sure who or what we believe. We feel like Dr. Kutteh has made some valid points and I do appreciate that he took the time to call me this morning and was much more clear and polite. Im not sure If that is enough to make me want to continue cycles with him after the conversation on Thursday.

We do plan to talk with Dr. Dayal and get her thoughts, treatment options, information etc from someone who DOES believe in NK cells. We want her side of the story and what research supports this. I know our own personal research showed a lot of women with recurrent losses in the past having a successful pregnancy after treating the NK cells with intralipd infusions or steroids.

We have made the decision to go ahead and start femara this month, better late than never? It is CD7... not sure how this will work out, but it can't hurt! And we will see Dr Dayal for her side of things prior to ovulation. If we are convinced this is an issue for us, we can skip BD and just let the cycle work itself out with no chance of pregnancy. If we are not convinced, we will do TI at home. 

*Insert something catchy here*

Yea, I've got nothing on the whole "catchy title" front.

Today we finally got the results back on our Natural Killer Cell test and it was not the news we were hoping for. My count was 11.7
Ranges are:

Less than 8.5 - normal
8.5 to 10 - borderline
Above 10- abnormal

So basically, my body is preventing embryo implantation or attacking pregnancies because it sees them as a threat, like an infection or foreign body.

When we were told about autoimmune issues/NK cells and the test was suggested, I was interested and a bit relieved to have something new to test for. I felt reassured because Dr. Dayal was able to lay out the treatment for us. I really thought I was prepared for this. I spend a lot of time wondering WTH went wrong and how we are not pregnant when everything seems so right with a cycle. We just went through that this cycle.  

But I'm not sure I've ever been so wrong. I was anything and everything but relieved when I was told we were positive for this. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I wanted to puke. I wanted to cry. And my mind immediately went to "OMG how many babies has my body killed in the last 4 years??" I know that this is irrational and that we can not focus on thoughts like that. We can't worry about things that we can never know. But the idea that my body is attacking potential babies is beyond heart-wrenching. I can not even put into words how this makes me feel.

Every month that we get a BFN, it feels like I'm mourning the loss of what could have been. But we have always have the hope that we can try again. And we had made some pretty big steps forward recently. I was responding to oral meds, no need to do injects again in the near future, and my husbands SA was better so we were content to try IUI again. And we are always hopeful in TI cycles that maybe, just maybe, we will have one of those miracle cycles and get pregnant naturally. And now I think i'm mourning the loss of that?! I mean that is impossible now. My body rejects/attacks/kills pregnancies. It just feels so hopeless right now.

I know that there ARE treatments for this. SIRM in STL treats with intralipid-infusions prior to embryo transfers in IVF cycles and then again with a confirmed pregnancy. Sometimes more during the pregnancy as needed. But my understanding is that they only do IVF. And we are not ready financially to do that. It could be a very long time before we are. I have put in a phone call to my current RE in hopes that they have a similar plan of treatment that we can do with IUI. However, their website is concerning since they list the POA for autoimmune issues as "heparin and baby aspirin" I can not wrap my head around how this could possibly help me?!

I do plan to ask SIRM about treatment for the NK w/o doing an IVF cycle when we go there for the fluid ultrasound on Feb 13th. I also plan to hear my current RE out on how they would treat this & if the plan is in fact heparin, I will be bringing up intralipids. I hope that something works out for us somewhere.

But tonight my head is spinning with worst case scenarios and I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. Right now this feels like "the end" and like maybe we are out of options until we can afford to pay for IVF. Right now.... we need prayers. Lots of them.

Also, right now we need patience and understanding. Please be patient with me as im trying to process something that to me is tragic and life altering. Please be understanding that this isn't something I feel like I can just tuck away and worry about at a later time. Please don't try to make me feel like this is not a big deal or can be easily fixed. "It's treatable" is not a consolation. Please do not imply that this can be fixed with a little bit of religion and a hug. We appreciate prayers. And I always appreciate a big hug. But please just understand that those are not cures. If you don't know what to say... just say that. I don't know what to say either. I honestly don't know that anything could make me feel better.

Right now I am scared and heart broken. I'm not okay... and sometimes it is OKAY to not be okay. 

Cycle Update

Well, for everyone following along, sorry for the lack of an update this cycle. I was hoping to report all of our test results from SIRM in one post, but seems my NK labs are taking ages and now the January cycle is ending

Newest Semen Analysis results were a big improvement. Still not out of the Male Factor Infertility category, but much better than our original results and a sign that hubby's weight loss and the vitamins are working. A great sign for IUI attempts!

Volume- 5.6mL from 4.6
Count- 24.4m/mL from 20
Motility- 42% from 33%
Morphology- same at 3%
Total Motile Count up to 57million from 28million!

We found that my current RE had tested for my AMH on our last set of labs and it was 4.6ng/mL which is very good! It means that my ovarian reserve is in the "optimal" level and I will likely produce a lot of follicles with the right stimulation.

We had some minor annoyances with getting my follicle scan done locally to avoid driving the 2 hours to the RE, but all in all, it was done and I was really happy with the results we saw on 7.5mg femara! I'm so used to my short surges that I jumped the gun a bit, I had an almost +OPK and was worried about missing it, but at the scan we actually were not at O range yet. We did however have 3 good sized follicles

Right- 15mm
Right-14mm
Left- 15mm

We had decided to skip the ovidrel and IUI this month to just wait it out and see how everything played out. With the new SA, we were a bit more comfortable with TI at home. CD16 we had a +OPK and temp rise on CD17 with a lingering +OPK! Timing seemed to be really good! ! My moodiness this cycle was OFF THE CHARTS!! I just knew that the progesterone levels had to be better than in the past. Hopes were SOOOOO high this month. At 7DPO we got the p4 drawn and It came back the highest ever at 15.7!!

Everything this cycle was feeling soo positive. So many good signs. My husband had an adorable dream about our baby. He was telling me about it all sleepy-like that morning. He says she is a girl. Really felt like this month was going to be the month. Ive been extra anxious about the NK labs since I really was feeling like we were going to be pregnant. However, yesterday I started spotting along with a 12DPO negative test. Today my temp took a nose dive off the cliff. So, 13DPO and I'm pretty sure that Aunt Flow is on her way any time now.

Crushed is an understatement. I forgot how much worse this sucks when you are doing treatments and hopeful. I can't really put into words what I'm wanting to say. I don't have any idea how to describe this feeling. I just keep asking "why?"

Why didn't it work?
Why aren't pregnant?
Why not us?

I just do not understand how everything can go so right, and then not result in a pregnancy. I feel like i know this process so well. I know what to expect. I know what warrants a good response. I know how the cycle works. But I don't know what keeps going wrong. What isn't working the way it should.

Today I'm glad to be home for a snow day, because honestly, I didn't want to leave my bed. I wish Tom could have been home too. I just want to sit and cry and mourn the loss of this baby that never was. I know that sounds dramatic to some of you, and that is okay. Because to the people who have been here, they will understand exactly the feeling I'm talking about.

So once AF shows up for good, I will call my RE and we will prepare to try again. Because no matter how heartbroken we are. No matter how much this part hurts... we can't give up. We can't let it stop us from moving forward.

Sigh of relief...

Exhale!

Our appointment today with Dr. Dayal at SIRM St. Louis went very well. Her and her staff were super friendly and we got all the information that we had came for despite a big oopsie with our records not being sent over from FAM in time. She was very positive and although she seems to lean towards IVF (because as we all know, it is better odds) she did not seem to feel like IUI was hopeless for us and mentioned the old standby of 3 IUI before moving on. So it is very likely that if the Femara works, we will give it one more go. She talked with us about her opinion that based on my regular AFs, I likely have more weak natural O's than I think and that my LH just isn't high enough or the surge is too short. This is a good thing and she feels that we will likely need less stimming. She mentioned Micro-IVF on her own and that we may be candidates for it if my AMH comes back good like she suspects (PCOS+ under 30yrs old). She wanted to get a repeat SA and the Hubby went ahead and did that today. She also mentioned that although we have no autoimmune history, she would like to test me for Natural Killer Cells that could be preventing implantation. She said that with the occasional natural O and our lengthy med cycle history, it just feel like maybe something else is going on. She also wants a SHG to be sure that sonething isn't a polyp or other issue in the uterus. We got the NKC lab work today. We will be scheduling the SHG for next cycle along with the AMH & basic labs. Overall we're really happy with the appointment and the information we received, including pricing for conventional and MicroIVF.  We would feel 100% comfortable at SIRM when we get ready for IVF and are anxious to get our labs and test results to see if IVF is the next step. 

With this new information, we decided for certain to forgo any IUI until we know my results from the SHG and NKC tests. No use in wasting money when these things could cause it to fail. However, once those results are back, we will do atleast one more IUI with our current RE (if the femara works) We plan to get an u/s when we get a +OPK and then a p4 to judge my response & continue the femara and TI in the mean time.

We're torn on how we feel about the results to the NKC test and the SHG, bcus clearly we hate to have more issues, but at the same time, natural killer cells or a polyp preventing implantation, would give us something to blame for the ovulation cycles not resulting in pregnancy. & both are treatable!! If everything is clear and no NKC, we're still sitting here scratching our heads wondering why with 3 good follies and 27mil sperm in an IUI, we had NO baby. 

Does that make sense to anyone besides us?!?

Here Goes Nothing!

Welp, nothing really funny, insightful, or witty to say tonight. Just an update.

Tomorrow is the free consult with SIRM St. Louis we received as a consolation in the I Believe Contest. We're excited to get a fresh perspective from Dr. Dayal, although we have no issues with our current RE. He and his staff have been amazing. It's just going to be interesting to see if her thoughts are different and what she recommends.  We are very interested on her opinion of IUI as a treatment plan for us and if she feels another could be successful. We are hoping to get more information on Micro-IVF and IVF in general as well. We would love to hear that IUI could work since It is far more affordable than IVF, but when push comes to shove, If it is unlikely to work, and IVF costs upwards of $15,000... it's best not to knowingly waste money. Or atleast that is how we feel about it.

So fingers crossed for good news and new insights. I'm nervous and anxious as usual! Dreading this drive for sure!!

Side note, I think for this current 7.5mg femara cycle, we have decided to use it as a test cycle and just see how it works itself out. We will do the OPK's and I've been temping. Go in to my OB with a + for a follicle scan, but forgo the IUI and then get the p4 labs following O, if there is one.  We want to see how my body responds to the femara, since in the past it was never enough. But we are hopeful that with the most recent weight loss and a few natural O's, that I will respond better!! And if it I do and we are reassured of the odds, we will plan to do a 7.5mg femara cycle with IUI next round

New Year, New Plan...

We had our first appointment with our current RE in over a year yesterday. It went pretty well. I forgot to ask some things, but I'm pretty happy with how things went.
I had planned to talk about.

• New lab work, since I've lost more weight.
• His opinion on our IUI/Inject cycle
• Is it worth it to try another IUI
• To try Femara  in the mean time, at a higher dose (7.5mg ideally)
• Prices on IVF and financing options.

What happened?

• He went over just about anything and everything we have done. My past Femara cycles and p4's 
• My weight loss since he first started seeing me and bragged a lot on me. That part was nice because I'm actually up about 8lbs since the Holidays and was feeling pretty shitty about it.
• My husbands SA results and the post-wash numbers from our two IUI's. He seemed pleased with the improvements in the last numbers and explained more about what they like to see in post-wash samples. 
• He said that since I've reported a few spontaneous natural ovulations he would like to try Femara again but maybe 3 pills instead of 2 (that would be 7.5mg!!)
• He would plan for us to do an IUI but we would do OPKs at home and one ultrasound locally with our OB when we got a positive. Then trigger and come in for the IUI. He will also get orders for a p4 at our OB following the IUI.

He was so positive and encouraging that I just couldn't bring the mood down by asking about IVF. We will save that for a later date. Me and my husband have discussed things and we think that we will cancel the IUI for this month and just let the 7.5mg Femara play out to see how it works. If we see good results, then in February's cycle, we may give the IUI one more go!! We are curious to get a follicle scan and just see what is going on in there with just the femara since we were never monitored on it previously. So we're up in the air as to if we will cancel the IUI before or after we get a sneak peek!! Also undecided on if we will take the Ovidrel Trigger when we get the +OPK or just see if my body goes on its own. I will update when we know!!

Last night was CD4 so we started and Im excited to see where this goes!! Just happy to be doing something :)

Crying Over Spilled Milk...

...or fingernail clippers! Yup, you read that right, crying over fingernail clippers. That was me Saturday afternoon. I promise I can explain!

It's one of those, the last straw kind of stories. It wasn't really the fact that I just spent 30 minutes hunting all over my house for fingernail clippers, only for my husband to find them in the very first place I looked (btw this is when the tears started pouring). It wasn't even really the fact that my house is a mess and I'm so frustrated with never being able to find anything and trying to get it organized amidst Holiday chaos.

It had a little to do with hormones and a lot to do with Aunt Flow. So, as we've discussed, she is pretty regular for me. Even annovulatory cycles for me end with a lining shed/breakthrough bleed. Whatever you want to call it. And until I was TTC, I never knew it wasn't the real deal. So every 28-30 days, wanted or not, AF shows up... until this month. Day 30...31...32 I barely even noticed, I mean im not on any meds. Im still on "break" technically and still not tracking temps. We didn't try to time anything plus with the male factor issues, would it matter?? But then 34?!? I was confused. Could I be? No!! ...35! Should we test?! Is something wrong? We decided to wait one more day and then If no murder scene, hubby would go get us a test!!

This brings us back to Saturday morning. Woke up. No pool of blood... still no cramps... none of my usual symptoms, just like all week! That little bit of excitement kicks in! My heart was racing. I woke up Tom and sent him off to the store. I know his hopes were up to since he got up willingly and was heading out the door in no time. Got my trusty test cup (my TTC ladies likely have one too!) And as I was finishing up, there it was. That little tint of pink. And my heart sank. It's like a punch in the gut really. All the breath is just knocked out of you. And ofcourse then i'm kicking myself for even being hopeful to begin with. Why do I do this?? I texted the hubby and told him nvm, come back home. And I put on my brave face. He just looked soooo sad coming in the house. He is usually the tough one. It just broke my heart.

But we do what we do best, and we just go on about the day and we move on to the next cycle. We eat waffles, we watch TV under our blanket on the couch. He plays his Playstation. I browse Facebook... cute baby picture... status about baby doing something funny... someone is in labor... someone is pregnant!!... funny baby picture... status about baby being cute... someone's officially got a bump!! and so on. I decide to go take a shower. I break a finger nail on the faucet (ouch!). Ofcourse the crooked jagged nail is driving me bonkers. It's freezing. The house is a mess. I can't find the leggings im looking for. Nail is snagging on everything I touch. Grrrrrrr must fix it! So the hunt begins. And we all know how that part of the story ends. With me on the couch in tears, seemingly crying over a damn pair of fingernail clippers!!

In love with a child, we haven't yet met..

 2013 had a lot of ups and a lot of good memories made, but every year that passes is bittersweet, because we are still waiting for our miracle baby. We are hopeful that 2014 will be the year our prayers are answered. Please help us to share our story and share our #gofundme web page. Help us to reach others & make this dream come true! We'll do anything we can to have a baby, and right now, that means asking for your help. #teambabyhouseholder

www.gofundme.com5kb3xc

The Tough Stuff

I figured it was time for another one of my painfully honest blog posts.

Im really struggling here. *sigh* There I admitted it. Despite all I told myself the last few weeks about just being happy to share our story and have the opportunity to win IVF. Despite saying that no matter who won, we would just be happy to see someone hopefully ending their struggle, even if it wasn't us (which is true). Despite all the amazing support we saw and the rally to help us win... I'm really struggling right now.

I honestly did not realize how hopeful I was that we would win and just have this amazing chance to finally be pregnant. I had no idea how much my heart was set on seeing those beautiful pink lines and that little bean on an ultrasound. I didn't realize how much I was letting myself get carried away. I thought I was being sensible. saying "It's a long shot" "We won't win, but it can't hurt to try" -- I guess my heart wanted it more than I was letting myself believe. I never expected to be as anxious and excited as I was Monday. And I never expected the total meltdown I had after reading that list. Im talking clinging to Tom, bawling, total breakdown. I had no idea I had let myself get that hopeful.

The 15% discount that they decided to offer to all contestants is amazing, but also seems to be a cause for more stress and disappointment. We only have one year to use it. If you can not start a cycle within 2014, it expires. This is given to 70+ people who entered a contest to win FREE treatment because they can not afford to get it on their own. Now I feel like im in a race that we just can not win. We have this discount dangling in front of us, that we may not be able to use.

We decided that for us, we have to try and there is no way that we can just simply come up with close to $20,000 on our own. (the medications are not included in the initial cost of IVF as well as other necessary fees and travel) We don't have a house to refinance or a 401K to borrow from. We have tossed around the idea of fundraising and donations, but just couldn't bring ourselves to ask others for this kind of help. We're very self sufficient people. Maybe it's pride. But I don't to beg. I don't want others to look at us differently or thinking poorly of us because we are asking for money. I know what kinds of things some people are probably thinking about us "If they can't afford it on their own, then they shouldn't do it" or even worse "If they can't afford this, they don't need a baby, babies are expensive"  -- These thoughts really bother me. No we cant come up with the money all on our own, especially not in the 15% discount time frame. But does that really mean that because we don't have $20,000 we don't deserve to be parents?! As for being able to afford a baby since we can't afford IVF, let me ask you this... did you pay to conceive your child? Or did you just do it the old fashioned free way because you don't have a medical condition making that beyond unlikely? Are we prepared for the cost related to pregnancy, labor, raising a child? Yes, absolutely. We just never imagined 4 years ago that we would need a small fortune just to get pregnant.

So we bit the bullet and we set up the fundraising site. To hell with pride I suppose. We've also looked into a way that people can help and get something in return with the Apparent Project bracelets. But im having a hard time with this idea and the worries I already had prior. Im afraid others are thinking those negative things. I feel like we have a worthy cause, and going through what we are going through I would 100% donate to a fellow Cyster or other couples struggling with infertility. I feel like everyone deserves the chance to be parents. And If I ever get there, I would give to another in a heart beat. I already try to help anyone Ive met with infertility any way that I can. Usually all I can offer is the knowledge and experience Ive gained, a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. But I will do anything that I can. Im happy to see the support we have gotten so far, but im struggling with alot of doubt and fears about asking at all.

We hope that others also know that we are not asking for this at no cost to ourselves. We are going to be saving up all we can. We have a plan for how much we are putting back from each paycheck. Tom's weekly and mine monthly. We are going to do the physical fundraisers and put in the work. We're just asking for added help and struggling with that decision.

I really hope that other people do not think less of us, this has not been easy. Nothing about infertility is back or white or easy. This is tough.

      

Fundraiser

After a lot of thought and inquiries about ways to help us along on our journey, we've decided to create a GoFundMe account to help us raise the money we need to continue treatments. If you are interested in making a donation, please visit our page. Please remember, the price tag may be large, but even the smallest donation gets us one step closer to the goal amount.

We aren't just asking others to pay fro our treatments, we are going to make weekly "donations" of our own to the fund. Starting with $25.

Tick Tock

Eeeeeeeeps!! Today is the day finalists for the "I Believe" contest will be announced! We are on pins and needles and are super anxious to know!! I'm not super confident, we got sooo many votes and a lot of support, but who knows how many any one else had plus the judging factor. I will just be glad to know if we make it to the next panel of judges or not. Who ever wins will be 100% deserving and we may be disappointed, but we will be happy for whoever gets this amazing opportunity to have their prayers of a baby answered. You can't be mad at that!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Kq1vURcL8  -- this fits my feelings today so well! LOL


Side note, If we do not win this amazing opportunity, I think I have decided that we will pursue the fundraising thing. If people can do it for their band's big trip, for their boob job, and to pay for their sex change surgery... I can do it to complete my family. We invited a combination of 2,100 people on Facebook last night to an event to rally votes for the final day... me and my husband did some math and If every one of those people gave just $5.00... less than the typical meal out to eat fast food... we could have the $10,000ish for IVF. Plus it is a great way for us to put our own money away in a dedicated fund. We ourselves can "donate" a specified amount each week. We know that not everyone will be interested in donating to us, and that's okay. that is the bonus of donations, it is an option. And we're hopeful that some people will choose to donate. Any amount raised would be a blessing and help us get one step closer to the treatments we need to have a baby.

If we do not win, we have an appointment scheduled with my original RE for January 8th and we will repeat some labs and maybe start oral meds in the meantime just to see how it goes. We will do our 3rd and probably final IUI as soon as we can afford it (roughly $2000.00) If we are not successful, we will likely have no choice but to move forward with IVF.

Little Updates

The I Believe Contest for IVF will be ending at 11:59pm Sunday night. I'm sure some of you are like "yay!!! this link will stop showing up everywhere!" ... But for those of you that are paying attention and have watched, the time to share our link and to vote is running out. Please, if you are sick of seeing the link, take the few moments to click it anyways and see what its all about. Watch our video and vote. Its just a few short minutes and could change our lives forever. Finalists will be announced sometime on Monday Dec 2nd.

Excitedly nervous!! If nothing else, Ive been amazed by all the support I've seen from my Family, Friends, and Facebookland. It's been such a blessing to witness so many people sharing and rallying for us. I've had to fight off a few moments of getting my feelings hurt by a few people I just KNEW would be sharing and voting, who have not. and just focus on those who have. I guess the "you find out who your friends are" saying is true, but I choose to focus on the positive and We've gotten so much more support than I ever imagined. It means so much to us! I've boo hoo'd several times after reading the intros folk's have written above the link they shared. Just soo many sweet things. Thank you so much to anyone and everyone who watched, voted, and shared! I can not say that enough. It means the world to us. Win or Lose, for that we re eternally grateful.

As far as my Epic Amazing Natural O cycle appears to be a big flop. Took my leftover progesterone during the TWW just in case. A few good temps taken randomly. No real chart or anything since I wasn't expecting it. Somewhere between 12-14 DPO today. BFN on Thanksgiving morning (10-12DPO). Stopped the progesterone last night. AF should make her arrival soon. But it was a good shot I suppose.

Appointment set for January 8th to go see my RE. -- Assuming we dont win IVF!! -- Go vote! and SHARE

Faith and Infertility

Im going to pull my soapbox out for a minute and do some teaching. Im not mad or ranting really. I just want to really bring home something that I think is often misunderstood about Infertility & God.

Im a Christian. Im wishy-washy on denomination and have attended churches of all different kinds, but I firmly believe in God and in the power of prayer. My husband is the same. Im not going to preach at anyone or force my religion on anyone. If you believe in a different God(s) than me, that is fine. If you choose not to believe, that too, is your choice. That is not what this is about.

What I want to talk about is the need for some people, when reading my blog or my Facebook posts about Infertility, or even face to face, to tell me things like

"It's in Gods hands"
"It's up to God"
"It will happen in Gods time"
"Things happen when they are meant to happen"
"God will give you a baby when its right"

Things of that nature. And they are nice sentiments. I understand that no one means harm when they say them and they feel they are instilling hope and encouragement in us not to give up on God. But these things are actually quite hurtful. They imply that by pursuing treatment we are in fact giving up on God. That we don't have faith in or respect for his timing and plan. And that we are rushing to do things that aren't meant to happen yet. To me, they also imply that we are not struggling with a medical condition but simply an inability to be patient and wait on God. That our God is intentionally forcing us to wait on his timing and suffer through this heartbreak.

 And im not sure who your God is.... but mine does not cause suffering. My God would never intentionally put me through this type of pain and heartache. We believe that we are simply a victim of circumstance. We both have medical problems that interfere with our ability to get pregnant and God is not a part of that. God is here in this struggle with us. Not causing it. He is there to carry us when we feel like we can't keep moving forward. He gives me the strength to just keep trying. He has blessed us with the amazing support system we have and the friends we have met along the way. I feel like, if anything, we have been guided towards the doctors that we have seen and the treatments we are pursuing.

Sometimes God works through the hands of others. It's not hard for people to accept this when it comes to the idea of a good Samaritan doing CPR in a Walmart parking lot until help arrives, or the ER doctor who is able to stabilize a person and get them to surgery. We can easily believe that God works alongside surgeons and that God is with cancer patients who are receiving chemo. But when you start talking about babies, people seem appalled that you are going against God by seeking a doctors help. This is hurtful.

Should the cancer patients just wait on God to cure their cancer without medical intervention?
Should that ER doctor remain hands off until God stabilizes the person instead?
Should anyone knowing CPR just twiddle their thumbs in hope that God will step in instead?

No!!! God performs all kinds of miracles. Some are like the ones in the Bible where it is plain to see it was God doing all the work. But other times his miracles are more subtle and he may not get all the glory. And his miracles happen through the lives and work of others. Sometimes there is no magical pregnancy out of the blue for an infertile woman. Sometimes her body does not just suddenly work and after 15 years they get pregnant. Sometimes God answers these prayers by placing the couple in the hands of a skilled doctor. A few pills and some OPKs can be answered prayers. Sometimes God is working through the ultrasound tech who is monitoring the injectible stimulation process and the skilled eyes of the tech doing a sperm wash for IUI. Sometimes those blessing are conceived in a petri dish under a microscope. It doesn't mean that God isn't involved just because science and medicine are.

Infertility in itself is a test of faith. It can be easy to feel like God isn't with you in this situation or that you have done something wrong and he is punishing you. It is so easy to get angry with him for not just miraculously handing you a baby. To be angry that others are getting pregnant while you still can't. I know couples who no longer believe in God based on the thinking that "It will happen in God's time" and after 15 years at 40+ they are still not parents. They feel that God must not want this for them. God must not be listening to them. If God answers everyone's prayers but isn't answering theirs, then they can no longer believe in his existence.

This is not my God. This is not how God wants us to portray him to others. This is not the kind of thinking that Christians should teach to others and these are not the right things to say to a couple pursuing fertility treatments after years of struggle. I understand you may not mean for comments to hurt, only to help. So let me help you out. Try...

"God is with you in this struggle"
"I will be praying that God grant you strength"
"I hope that this is the answer to your prayers"
"I will be praying for you during your treatments"
"God will be watching over your doctors during this procedure"

Anything that instills faith without belittling our need for medical interventions.

I want to reiterate that infertility is a medical condition!!! There are disorders and diagnoses with NAMES! immune disorders, PCOS, Endometriosis, varicoceli, blocked tubes, low sperm count, motility, and morphology. They are all medical conditions that can make pregnancy unlikely or even impossible without ART. It has nothing to do with timing and everything to do with reproductive systems that for one reason or another are not functioning as they should. Please understand, infertility is a medicalcondition. Please understand our need to seek medical interventions with God by our side.

My nanny shared a very similar story with me once  after several upsetting comments about waiting on Gods timing had me worried I shouldn't be doing the treatments and was upsetting God.  http://epistle.us/inspiration/godwillsaveme.html  

It's Go Time!!

The I Believe contest voting is now live!! Please follow the link to vote for us and to share this with others if you can!! Me & my husband have been struggling with infertility for 4 years now and have never stopped praying and asking God to help us find the right path in this journey. We've undergone a lot of fertility treatments and recently stumbled upon and entered a video journal contest with a very well known specialist at Sher Institute of Reproductive Medicine. The winner will receive a free round of IVF. This is truly the chance of a lifetime since most insurances do not cover any infertility and the procedures cost thousands out of pocket. We believe that sometimes people are a victim of circumstance and that God answers prayers through doctors and the miracle of medical interventions. I also would like to request prayers for ourselves and the other couples who are going through similar struggles. Infertility is a heartbreak that can not be described. Please pray that all the couples keep strength during the struggle, faith that their blessing is coming & peace during the wait.

http://haveababy.com/ibelieve2013householder/

This is an interesting turn of events...

This is one of those TMI, for my hardcore infertility ladies posts. But any of you are welcome to follow along!! (I'll add a list of common abbreviations at the bottom)

After close to a year on break of no tracking, no temping, no OPKs and no TI ... I think I might be ovulating this month! Its not very often that I get good signs of impending O unless I'm on meds, although I do suspect that once in a while I sporadically ovulate on my own. These O's appear to be weak with low progesterone and a short LP just like my femara alone O's.... but anywho!! Working on my video for the SIRM I Believe Contest has kicked up my baby fever and that urgent feeling to start treatments. So after a day at work with the craziest CM I've ever had, I couldn't resist dragging out my giant bag of OPK's and peeing on one! It looked positive!!!

"don't get excited. you know this happens from time to time and its no better than an O on femara."

That was this past Wednesday night. So, given my track record of the worlds shortest LH surge, we BD just in case it was the real deal, I mean it can't hurt? And I decided to do another OPK Thursday morning. I was shocked to see that it was still positive!!

"still surging?? this is not normal for you!! maybe you are rusty and are just reading them wrong"

Fast forward to Thursday night. Was still having some crazy CM so I peed on another OPK and got yet again two very DARK lines.

"okay, they are defective. You usually ahve a surge so quick that you can miss it while testing twice a day. There is no way you are still detecting a LH surge 24hours after the first"

A little more BD... ya know... just in case!! Then I tested again on Friday morning. STILL POSITIVE! My heart actually sank a little.

"okay. It's a bad batch. They are going to pop positive no matter what. you're not ovulating"

So I did what any logical person would do... I made my husband take an OPK! & Guess what?? He is NOT ovulating!!

"dude!! this could be the most epic natural O ever!! Maybe the most recent weightloss is having an impact?"

I had some cramping and tenderness in the lower tummy/ovary area Friday and Saturday. Got some more BD in, ya know just in case, and am annoyingly bloated today!! Is this some magical miraculous O? Im not sure, and really won't ever know for sure, but its crazy unusual for me and I will take it! Maybe it is a sign that my hormones are trying to straighten out after my weight changes. Maybe its just another crazy sporadic weak O that means nothing. But it's an interesting turn of events!



OPK= ovulation prediction kit
TI = times intercourse
O = ovulation
CM= cervical mucus
LP= Luetal Phase the 2ish weeks after O
LH= Luetenizing Hormone - rises right before O
BD= baby dance (baby making)