Im really struggling here. *sigh* There I admitted it. Despite all I told myself the last few weeks about just being happy to share our story and have the opportunity to win IVF. Despite saying that no matter who won, we would just be happy to see someone hopefully ending their struggle, even if it wasn't us (which is true). Despite all the amazing support we saw and the rally to help us win... I'm really struggling right now.
I honestly did not realize how hopeful I was that we would win and just have this amazing chance to finally be pregnant. I had no idea how much my heart was set on seeing those beautiful pink lines and that little bean on an ultrasound. I didn't realize how much I was letting myself get carried away. I thought I was being sensible. saying "It's a long shot" "We won't win, but it can't hurt to try" -- I guess my heart wanted it more than I was letting myself believe. I never expected to be as anxious and excited as I was Monday. And I never expected the total meltdown I had after reading that list. Im talking clinging to Tom, bawling, total breakdown. I had no idea I had let myself get that hopeful.
The 15% discount that they decided to offer to all contestants is amazing, but also seems to be a cause for more stress and disappointment. We only have one year to use it. If you can not start a cycle within 2014, it expires. This is given to 70+ people who entered a contest to win FREE treatment because they can not afford to get it on their own. Now I feel like im in a race that we just can not win. We have this discount dangling in front of us, that we may not be able to use.
We decided that for us, we have to try and there is no way that we can just simply come up with close to $20,000 on our own. (the medications are not included in the initial cost of IVF as well as other necessary fees and travel) We don't have a house to refinance or a 401K to borrow from. We have tossed around the idea of fundraising and donations, but just couldn't bring ourselves to ask others for this kind of help. We're very self sufficient people. Maybe it's pride. But I don't to beg. I don't want others to look at us differently or thinking poorly of us because we are asking for money. I know what kinds of things some people are probably thinking about us "If they can't afford it on their own, then they shouldn't do it" or even worse "If they can't afford this, they don't need a baby, babies are expensive" -- These thoughts really bother me. No we cant come up with the money all on our own, especially not in the 15% discount time frame. But does that really mean that because we don't have $20,000 we don't deserve to be parents?! As for being able to afford a baby since we can't afford IVF, let me ask you this... did you pay to conceive your child? Or did you just do it the old fashioned free way because you don't have a medical condition making that beyond unlikely? Are we prepared for the cost related to pregnancy, labor, raising a child? Yes, absolutely. We just never imagined 4 years ago that we would need a small fortune just to get pregnant.
So we bit the bullet and we set up the fundraising site. To hell with pride I suppose. We've also looked into a way that people can help and get something in return with the Apparent Project bracelets. But im having a hard time with this idea and the worries I already had prior. Im afraid others are thinking those negative things. I feel like we have a worthy cause, and going through what we are going through I would 100% donate to a fellow Cyster or other couples struggling with infertility. I feel like everyone deserves the chance to be parents. And If I ever get there, I would give to another in a heart beat. I already try to help anyone Ive met with infertility any way that I can. Usually all I can offer is the knowledge and experience Ive gained, a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. But I will do anything that I can. Im happy to see the support we have gotten so far, but im struggling with alot of doubt and fears about asking at all.
We hope that others also know that we are not asking for this at no cost to ourselves. We are going to be saving up all we can. We have a plan for how much we are putting back from each paycheck. Tom's weekly and mine monthly. We are going to do the physical fundraisers and put in the work. We're just asking for added help and struggling with that decision.
I really hope that other people do not think less of us, this has not been easy. Nothing about infertility is back or white or easy. This is tough.
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