*Insert something catchy here*

Yea, I've got nothing on the whole "catchy title" front.

Today we finally got the results back on our Natural Killer Cell test and it was not the news we were hoping for. My count was 11.7
Ranges are:

Less than 8.5 - normal
8.5 to 10 - borderline
Above 10- abnormal

So basically, my body is preventing embryo implantation or attacking pregnancies because it sees them as a threat, like an infection or foreign body.

When we were told about autoimmune issues/NK cells and the test was suggested, I was interested and a bit relieved to have something new to test for. I felt reassured because Dr. Dayal was able to lay out the treatment for us. I really thought I was prepared for this. I spend a lot of time wondering WTH went wrong and how we are not pregnant when everything seems so right with a cycle. We just went through that this cycle.  

But I'm not sure I've ever been so wrong. I was anything and everything but relieved when I was told we were positive for this. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I wanted to puke. I wanted to cry. And my mind immediately went to "OMG how many babies has my body killed in the last 4 years??" I know that this is irrational and that we can not focus on thoughts like that. We can't worry about things that we can never know. But the idea that my body is attacking potential babies is beyond heart-wrenching. I can not even put into words how this makes me feel.

Every month that we get a BFN, it feels like I'm mourning the loss of what could have been. But we have always have the hope that we can try again. And we had made some pretty big steps forward recently. I was responding to oral meds, no need to do injects again in the near future, and my husbands SA was better so we were content to try IUI again. And we are always hopeful in TI cycles that maybe, just maybe, we will have one of those miracle cycles and get pregnant naturally. And now I think i'm mourning the loss of that?! I mean that is impossible now. My body rejects/attacks/kills pregnancies. It just feels so hopeless right now.

I know that there ARE treatments for this. SIRM in STL treats with intralipid-infusions prior to embryo transfers in IVF cycles and then again with a confirmed pregnancy. Sometimes more during the pregnancy as needed. But my understanding is that they only do IVF. And we are not ready financially to do that. It could be a very long time before we are. I have put in a phone call to my current RE in hopes that they have a similar plan of treatment that we can do with IUI. However, their website is concerning since they list the POA for autoimmune issues as "heparin and baby aspirin" I can not wrap my head around how this could possibly help me?!

I do plan to ask SIRM about treatment for the NK w/o doing an IVF cycle when we go there for the fluid ultrasound on Feb 13th. I also plan to hear my current RE out on how they would treat this & if the plan is in fact heparin, I will be bringing up intralipids. I hope that something works out for us somewhere.

But tonight my head is spinning with worst case scenarios and I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. Right now this feels like "the end" and like maybe we are out of options until we can afford to pay for IVF. Right now.... we need prayers. Lots of them.

Also, right now we need patience and understanding. Please be patient with me as im trying to process something that to me is tragic and life altering. Please be understanding that this isn't something I feel like I can just tuck away and worry about at a later time. Please don't try to make me feel like this is not a big deal or can be easily fixed. "It's treatable" is not a consolation. Please do not imply that this can be fixed with a little bit of religion and a hug. We appreciate prayers. And I always appreciate a big hug. But please just understand that those are not cures. If you don't know what to say... just say that. I don't know what to say either. I honestly don't know that anything could make me feel better.

Right now I am scared and heart broken. I'm not okay... and sometimes it is OKAY to not be okay.