Jealousy vs. Envy

 A recent article I saw shared on FB really hit home for me. It was actually about an app to disguise baby photos on your news feed with pictures of other things like puppies or seascapes or bacon?! Everyone loves bacon! Right? But anywho. . . It also shared the differences in jealousy and envy! I know a lot of outsiders will read my blog and think "ugh, she is a bad person" or "she is just jealous of these women who have children"

jeal·ous
Pronunciation: \ˈje-ləs\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English
1 a : intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness
2: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage 3: vigilant in guarding a possession

en·vy
Pronunciation: \ˈen-vē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural envies
Etymology: Middle English
1 : painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage 2 obsolete : malice 3 : an object of envious notice or feeling

The term jealous implies that I want to be that other person or I want to take away what they have. That's not how I feel at all. I don't want someone else's life or situation. And I don't want them to not have children. I would never wish this situation on anyone.

Envy is what I feel. And it's not necessarily bad thing. It simply means that I desire to have the same thing that these other women have. I want to have a baby too! It's an advantage that some women can enjoy motherhood and it's painful that I currently can't share in that enjoyment.

Envy is a tough emotion. Struggling to conceive is a tough situation. Others look at you like a bad person when you admit to envying someone who is pregnant or has children. You're wrong to feel that way. You shouldn't want what others have. You should be happy with the things that you do have. So you feel ashamed to share the thoughts and feelings with friends and family. But it's not that I'm unhappy with the things I have. I could write an almost endless list of things I've been blessed with that I'm thankful for. And I'm not wrong because there is something I want that I don't have. And I'm also not a bad person for feeling hurt or even a bit resentful towards people who already have these things. It's a terrible feeling when you want to be pregnant, to have a baby, to be a mother, to complete your family ... And literally everywhere you are, some one has that exact thing. Sometimes it feels like life is taunting you?! You go to Walmart to buy more supplements, and see a group of high school kids buying the new Justin Timberlake CD and 1 of the girls is obviously pregnant. Or go to the doctor for another test or labs, and there is a lady in the waiting room struggling with 3 kids and a car-seat. You go to the park to walk for exercise, hopefully to better your chances at conceiving, and there is a group of moms pushing their kids on the swings. Check Facebook... 98% of the posts are about what some one's child has done recently. Check Instagram 98% of the pictures are adorable babies doing adorable things. Some days it's literally a tight aching feeling right in the heart. One that travels right to the pit of your stomach. Some days it's tears immediately stinging your eyes. Or a lump in your throat. And the thought of... What if I never get to have a big pregnant belly? What if I never have children to pack to the doctors office? What if I never have children to play with at the park and push in a swing? What if I never get to hear that squeal of excitement?? Or have a baby to brag about on Facebook or share pictures of on Instagram? What if this never happens for us?

Imagine if you didn't have all the experiences that you share about and enjoy as a parent. Would you miss it?

Now would you tell me I'm just jealous and a bad person?