Snapshots of our lives...

Just wanted to share some pictures from the last year or so :)

Here Goes Nothing!

Welp, nothing really funny, insightful, or witty to say tonight. Just an update.

Tomorrow is the free consult with SIRM St. Louis we received as a consolation in the I Believe Contest. We're excited to get a fresh perspective from Dr. Dayal, although we have no issues with our current RE. He and his staff have been amazing. It's just going to be interesting to see if her thoughts are different and what she recommends.  We are very interested on her opinion of IUI as a treatment plan for us and if she feels another could be successful. We are hoping to get more information on Micro-IVF and IVF in general as well. We would love to hear that IUI could work since It is far more affordable than IVF, but when push comes to shove, If it is unlikely to work, and IVF costs upwards of $15,000... it's best not to knowingly waste money. Or atleast that is how we feel about it.

So fingers crossed for good news and new insights. I'm nervous and anxious as usual! Dreading this drive for sure!!

Side note, I think for this current 7.5mg femara cycle, we have decided to use it as a test cycle and just see how it works itself out. We will do the OPK's and I've been temping. Go in to my OB with a + for a follicle scan, but forgo the IUI and then get the p4 labs following O, if there is one.  We want to see how my body responds to the femara, since in the past it was never enough. But we are hopeful that with the most recent weight loss and a few natural O's, that I will respond better!! And if it I do and we are reassured of the odds, we will plan to do a 7.5mg femara cycle with IUI next round

New Year, New Plan...

We had our first appointment with our current RE in over a year yesterday. It went pretty well. I forgot to ask some things, but I'm pretty happy with how things went.
I had planned to talk about.

• New lab work, since I've lost more weight.
• His opinion on our IUI/Inject cycle
• Is it worth it to try another IUI
• To try Femara  in the mean time, at a higher dose (7.5mg ideally)
• Prices on IVF and financing options.

What happened?

• He went over just about anything and everything we have done. My past Femara cycles and p4's 
• My weight loss since he first started seeing me and bragged a lot on me. That part was nice because I'm actually up about 8lbs since the Holidays and was feeling pretty shitty about it.
• My husbands SA results and the post-wash numbers from our two IUI's. He seemed pleased with the improvements in the last numbers and explained more about what they like to see in post-wash samples. 
• He said that since I've reported a few spontaneous natural ovulations he would like to try Femara again but maybe 3 pills instead of 2 (that would be 7.5mg!!)
• He would plan for us to do an IUI but we would do OPKs at home and one ultrasound locally with our OB when we got a positive. Then trigger and come in for the IUI. He will also get orders for a p4 at our OB following the IUI.

He was so positive and encouraging that I just couldn't bring the mood down by asking about IVF. We will save that for a later date. Me and my husband have discussed things and we think that we will cancel the IUI for this month and just let the 7.5mg Femara play out to see how it works. If we see good results, then in February's cycle, we may give the IUI one more go!! We are curious to get a follicle scan and just see what is going on in there with just the femara since we were never monitored on it previously. So we're up in the air as to if we will cancel the IUI before or after we get a sneak peek!! Also undecided on if we will take the Ovidrel Trigger when we get the +OPK or just see if my body goes on its own. I will update when we know!!

Last night was CD4 so we started and Im excited to see where this goes!! Just happy to be doing something :)

Just Checking In!

Well hello there!! Long time, no see!! Anyone following along, we've officially reached one year with no fertility treatments. It's really been a lot easier to reach that "anniversary" than I expected. I feel like the hard part is over. It was devastating in the beginning, I didn't want to be on break. I didn't want to be wasting more time, seeing others announce their pregnancy while i'm twiddling my thumbs. Or at least trying! Doing something. I'm not sure where things got better, I can't really pinpoint that moment. But somewhere in early spring I realized that If we can't TTC right now, we should use this time the best we can. I needed to heal, to get into a better mindset before we try again. I was neglecting a lot of things because of my devotion to all things TTC and fertility related. I was avoiding some things because sometimes they hurt!! 

I missed a lot of baby showers because I just couldn't make myself go. So many holidays and family gatherings that should have been enjoyable, really weren't because above all else, I wanted to share those moments with my child. I wanted to see my baby in their Easter dress, I wanted to be watching them run around with their cousins at the 4th of July BBQ (or crawl! or just lay there looking all cute in their red, white, &blue). I wanted to be taking my child trick or treating, not just look at all the other cute kids in costumes. And most of all, I wanted it to be my baby enjoying their first Christmas. I don't think that ache every really goes away. But I wanted to work on my response to that feeling and my ability to NOT let it ruin everything. I wanted to reconnect with my friends and family, even the ones with children. I wanted to get my life back. I started making myself go out more and do things. Start going on date nights more. Not decline invitations to go grab lunch with a friend or accompany them and their niece to Build-A-Bear. Meet up with friends to eat at Applebees, (even though their baby is with them). Things like that. I feel like I've made some progress and i'm in a much better place than I was.

 I also really buckled down on the weight loss. I guess with my neurotic tendencies, I need an obsession! I had gained back up to 200lbs at some point in early summer. I was struggling and I decided to get one month of phentermine (adipex) from my doctor to help me kick things back into gear. I skipped days here and there and that script lasted me way more than one month, but it was the confidence booster that I needed. I knew that on a tough day, I could take it and not eat everything in sight. I started doing a walking/aerobic DVD with a co-worker daily. We were doing 5 miles a day at one point and I was doing great on my water intake finally. Im currently down a total of 72lbs from my heaviest of 235lb. Im hoping for 18 more pounds putting me at 144 and in a healthy BMI range!! Im soooooo close and feeling really confident that I can get there. 

On the TTC front, we are hoping that at the first of the year (also our 4 year mark) we can get back to the RE and jump back in. I want to get some labs repeated and a new ultrasound. Maybe some things will have improved with my weight loss? I want to give the oral meds alone anther chance. Maybe Jan & Feb. If we need it, we're hoping to do another injection/IUI cycle by March or April. I'm also working on a video to enter an contest through Sher Institutes in STL to win a free IVF cycle. Im not a likely winner, but the video diary has been fun to work on. I will share the link to my completed submission!! You all can vote for me :)

Sometimes, I do things for myself...

(This is more of a rant, not my usual informative posts)

I love this whole body positive movement that is happening. I love that its becoming more and more okay to be a bigger person. To have some curves, or even rolls and to know that they don't make you unattractive. In fact, you are beautiful regardless of your body shape! This is great!! Lets keep spreading this way of viewing the human body, because women & men come in all shapes and sizes. But I feel like there are already people taking this to an extreme that personally pisses me off. "It is okay to be big and beautiful, no one should ever want to change their body."

Fuck you! This is my body and just like no one can make me hate myself for being overweight, no one can make me stay overweight because they tell me I'm beautiful that way. Sometimes, I do things for me. Because I want to. I am choosing to lose weight

• Not because other people hate my body
• Not because other people tell me that I should hate my body.

(Im not saying that these aren't things that motivate others to lose weight, we all know that some people go as far as to develop eating disorders to fit someone elses definition of sexy or beauty.People get bullied and teased and made to feel ashamed. Im not arguing against that. Im telling the other side of the story.)

My husband has loved me at my thinnest and at my heaviest and I have his complete support during my weight loss. He motivates me and he cheers me on. He is the voice of reason when he can see im feeling frustrated or not seeing the results I want. No one from my past has ever significantly teased me for being overweight. It is a fact that not all skinny people are healthy and not all overweight people are unhealthy. But also a fact, sometimes they are. I'm one of those. I do not always eat the best foods, I have a numerous health issues and risks. PCOS and Insulin Resistance, these make me at higher risk of diabetes which runs in my family already. Plus a family history of hypertension. I also have a blood clotting disorder called Factor Five that makes me at high risk of blood clots and heart issues. I am struggling with infertility due to the PCOS. I have hardware in my left ankle due to a fall where it was shattered and popped out of place. Its important to me to get to a healthy weight. To help minimize my PCOS symptoms, to possibly cure my IR and lower my risk of diabetes and hypertension. To put my body in the best position to respond to fertility treatments and then carry our miracle baby. To feel better. To be able to walk and not be out of breath. Maybe even run someday!! To take some stress off of my ankle. See, sometimes I do things for me!!!

I am my own worst critic. I never said that I loved  my overweight body. I just never hated myself because I was fat. Highschool me at 150lbs and me at 235lbs were still me. And I think im pretty awesome. I am a shy and quiet person that feels incredibly awkward in groups of people. Im kind of a spazz. And I can work myself into some serious social anxiety at times. But once you get to know me and I am comfortable, I think im crazy amounts of fun! But I was never physically comfortable at my heaviest weight. I was sick more often. I had less energy. I couldn't do as much of or the kinds of activities that I wanted. I wasn't happy with how my clothes looked and how hard it was to find things that were flattering. I wasn't happy with how my body looked in general. Thats okay!! It is okay to be unhappy with your body, as long as its because YOU are unhappy and not because some one else says you should be. It's okay to want to make changes!! It's okay If feeling better about yourself and in your own skin are motivators for you to make changes!! You don't have to stay overweight because society is changing and is becoming more accepting of it. It is okay that I was 235lbs, my BMI was in between the lowest bracket of extreme obesity and the highest of obesity and I wanted to change that. It's okay that I am working out and watching what I eat and HAPPY to see my body changing. It is MORE than okay that I am feeling better physically and happier with how I look. Because sometimes, I just do shit for myself.

Im ecstatic to see so many men and women that are body positive. So many people that see the beauty in all body shapes. But I feel like its almost a fetish to some people. That they don't love all  body shapes, they only love bigger shapes and they are almost offended that somebody might want to lose weight. I don't want to be beautiful or sexy to someone because I have curves and rolls. I want to be  beautiful because im just fucking beautiful! My personality, my confidence, the energy I put off, the look in my eyes... not the shape of my body. And I won't feel guilty about the choice I have made or that my body is no longer your idea of beauty. Because sometimes, I fucking do shit for myself and I don't need anyone's approval but my own. & This is for me!!

MIA....

So, I haven't posted in awhile. Just kinda down and no real feeling to put into words. Frustrated with the whole break situation. Frustrated with pregnancy announcements. Frustrated with trying to NOT think about babies and to stay busy with others things (which is impossible btw). and Frustrated with my weight loss!! I just haven't had anything to say worth sharing and just haven't wanted to write anything. I don't want my blog to be all doom and gloom and negative postings about how miserable I am. So, I'm kinda trying to wait all this out and see if I can regain a more positive outlook and attitude. Maybe I can find some more educational/informative things to post about??

On the weight loss:

I started 1400 calories Thursday night, did 1400 Friday as well.... I was stuck hovering between 193.8 and 193 even..... and on Saturday, after upping my intake... as I feared, I had gained!! i was 195.6!!! Needless to say I was horrified and I am back to 1200 calories a day. Trying to stick to my exercise routine. Ive been doing Zumba T&Th at the community center and I'm adding in walking at work and starting Zumba with a co-worker on M, W, & F soon hopefully. I was down to 192.4 on Tuesday. I wont weigh again until Friday for my official weight loss progress update.

On the TTC:

We do finally have a tiny bit in savings for the next cycle. Its not enough to even make a small dent in the cost, but I feel a little better knowing that its there, and hopefully we can add to it and I can start to breathe a little easier. I have this terrible sinking feeling that we are never going to have a child of our own. I'm not sure how to explain the feeling.... its very strange and Ive never felt this before. I think its just the reality that we're nearing the end of what science can do for us. After so many failed IUI's.... with male issues involved as well as my issues.... there isn't much else that can be done. Its IVF. and there is nothing after IVF really. So I'm just feeling very uneasy and scared!! I'm also feeling like I don't want to talk about babies or TTC very much. I'm not doing anything really to give us a chance at conceiving, so I don't even want to talk about it. I want to have a plan in place for me, so that we can try again sometime this summer. But other than that, don't ask me questions. I'm not charting. I don't want to talk about it.

But, I'm not giving up just yet on the weight loss... I'm going to continue my exercise and my 1200 calories and see what happens! & we're not giving up on conceiving either, we're just on hold for awhile, which sucks and makes it feel like we have given up. :)

Thanks for the advice!

Well, I've moped and I've wined all day. And I've ate a little junk because I feel crappy about my progress. But I did take my butt to Zumba... and I burned an estimated 450+ calories... and Ive decided that maybe some of you are right and I need on increase my intake.

I manually over-rode My Fitness Pal and I upped my daily allowance to 1400 calories and I plan to try to meet that for one week and see what happens. I'm going to add in some snacks to help me get enough cals in. Some apples, carrots and peanut butter, nuts, PB on wheat bread. Other fruits and veggies. I'm very very very nervous about this! Im soooo scared that after this week when I weigh in, I'm going to see 194 on my scale or worse.. (cue scary music)... 200!!

Pray for me?? and Come visit me in the hospital if I gain and loose my mind or have a stroke?

GRRRRRRR! Frustrated!

and yes ladies and gentleman.... that was a growl!

Im sooooo frustrated with my weight loss this time around! Im such a yo-yo'er! I am on again and off again on the wieght loss wagon. But typically if I get on the wagon I can drop a good 15lbs in a month or so. Ive lost 45 total since starting in July of 2011. I lost 30lbs that go around in 3 months and kept it off until i started fertility treatments in 2012. I slowly creeped back up to the 200's and started my diet again in May of 2012 and was able to loose another 30lbs (some of it was weight i had gained back) in about 4 months. Lowest weight being 188. Now here I sit.... weight has creeped back on since my injectables cycle in November. I got back up to 196. Ive been doing what I always do when I need to lose weight. Stay around 1200 calories and watch my carb servings. Cut out sodas. Force water.... in almost 3 weeks.... im only down 3lbs!!!!

 Im STUCK!! And im working out harder than I have ever worked!! I do not understand! And honestly... if I cant lose weight doing everything that im doing... I just want to say... EFF THIS!!... and eat a couple dozen cupcakes and Reese's cups!! Maybe a few gallons of Dr. Pepper and Starbucks Frappuchino's drinks will drowned my sorrows? But seriously, what is the point in doing all of this if my scale is not going to budge?

Fessing Up...

Well, I need to take a moment to come clean. . . . . I've quit the 30 Day Shred!

After Tuesdays exercise, my knee was REALLY giving me issues. Both felt puffy and jelly like. I chalked it up to sore muscles and kept on going. I made it to day 5 on Thursday. All day my right knee (the one I have a past injury with) was popping and cracking all day. I did that nights shred anyways. But Friday was worse. So I decided to take a "recovery day". It bothered me all weekend and despite 100% intention of re-starting Sunday night, my knees just can't do it. Too much jumping with the 1min intervals or jumping jacks and jumping rope. Plus the 1 minute intervals of push ups, that I have to do on my knees since my injured ankle cant support my weight.

I think that if I had breaks between days instead of 30 days straight in a row, maybe I could do it? I haven't 100% given up just yet. I think I plan to modify. Maybe M,W, & F doing the shred and going to Zumba classes on T&TH? Then the weekend to rest? I love the local Zumba class at the community center. I attended for a few months last year and enjoyed it sooo much! I'm excited to have a good friend to go with again.

Last week I was pretty down, still am. No real progress on the scale, despite all the exercise and eating good. I blew it big time Friday with poor eating (mainly because I was mad about no progress) and I didn't do much better over the weekend.
I skipped yesterdays workout as well due to a terrible migraine. But tonight, I am Zumba bound!!

Progress v.2

Starting Weight- 235
Lowest Weight- 188
Last Week- 193.0
Today- 192.3

Continuing to count calories using the my fitness pal app and stay right around 1200 calories. Ive done very good this week with that and have not gone over calories at all. Ive also tried to continue to avoid sweets and sodas. I started the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred program and have finished 5 days of that! Im pretty proud considering that I'm terribly out of shape and Sunday night, I literally had to stop and almost puked!!!

However, I'm frustrated and because of that, today I blew it! Tuesday I weighed and was down to 192.4 (YAY!!!) working out, good on calories.... weigh Wednesday and I've gained a pound! back up to 193.6!! Thursday down to 191.8!! still exercising and under on calories... this morning, I'm up a pound and back to 192 :(    and ofcourse im upset that im not steadily losing and I keep gaining even though I'm doing everything I can to lose! Im working my @ss off!! So today, angry, and PMS'ing... I've had several mini candy bars and a snack size bag of hot fries and a soda.

Unless I Puke, Faint or Die...

 

After a lot of looking and backing out and looking and making excuses and looking some more and backing out again, Ive decided that if I'm done making excuses for why its okay to feel like poo on a daily basis, then I'm done making excuses for why I cant exercise!! Yes, I am limited by my ankle and my knees, but I'm not doing them any favors by sitting on my butt either! Im already eating better and feeling better and Ive lost a lot of weight so far! Almost 45lbs since I started this a year and a half ago.... but I need to get some real exercise started!  

I'm going to do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred!!  Its just 30 days....Surely I can commit to 30 days of doing the best that I can. I start tonight.... wish me luck!!

The Commitment...

Ever feel like you make too many excuses for yourself? Like you are "settling" on a life that isnt what you wanted? That you are too comfortable in this pattern of doing things and almost happy there? This is me! I've come to accept the fact that my "illness" makes me feel blah, fatigue, achey, bloated, & depressed. It gives me a giant belly roll I can't do anything about, headaches, acne. And I've come to accept that and I'm almost comfortable here!! If I wake up feeling like poo again, for the 3rd time this week, I almost don't give it a second thought. And I spend the day drowning in that feeling.. I'm too tired to dig my way out. There is nothing I can do. It's easier to focus on the negative and just keep feeling blah.

But this isn't who I want to be!! This isn't how I want to do things!! And I've decided I'm making a commitment. A commitment to change. A commitment to no more excuses. No more entire days, weeks, months feeling blah and tired and sickly. I'm going to make changes in the way I eat. And the way I allow myself to feel! And in my activity pattern!! I think if I can change my overall health, I can get the upper hand on PCOS, IR, & my hormones. And I think that I will have fewer and fewer days spent feeling so down and out.

I'm making a commitment to myself, for myself.

Progress.

Starting Weight- 235
Lowest Weight- 188
Last Week- 196.4
Today- 193.0

The game plan this week has been slim fast type shakes for breakfast or a piece of fruit (I'm not a bfast eater and would normal skip this meal all together) for lunch I eat microwave meals like lean cuisine or smart ones. And for the first few weeks I'm also eating them for dinner. I add in fruit for snacks or a small salad or veggies here and there. I'm forcing atleast 4 bottles of water a day. I use www.myfitnesspal.com to track my calories and I stay under 1200. I also keep an eye on my carbs. I have some diabetic guidelines I try to stay within for my beloved carbs. I've been walking a mile a day while I try to figure out a more intense work out that my ankle can handle. I'm not saying this is a nutritionist approved diet plan.... It's 100% not!! I'm just sharing what I'm doing.

The Plan.

I want to make weekly updates on my weight loss journey on Fridays. 

The difference in me and some other weight loss blogs.... I suck at losing weight!! No really, I do. I hate water!! Seriously, hate it. normally I would drink 0 actual glasses of water a day. zero. "It doesn't have a taste" you say.... well I hate the none-taste of water. I hate exercising. I have an old ankle injury that prevents anything too high impact. My knees are bad. I don't feel good alot. Im full of excuses and I'm lazy!! Also, I love carbs... The bad ones! French fries, loaded baked potato, mac n cheese.... Mmmmm!! Sorry, got distracted.

The fact of the matter is, I gotta do this for me. I have to make myself make good choices. I have to try and work at it. I have to make myself exercise. I fall off the wagon alot!! But I climb back on. And I'm doing it!! And I've seen progress! If I can do it. So can you!

More About My Journey

Im currently 24 and my husband is 25. We got married 3 years ago on January 9th, 2010. We have been trying to conceive for a little longer than that (but don't tell my parents that! LOL) At first it was a thought, we want children, so lets stop preventing and see where it goes. roughly 6 months later it became very clear to me that it was going no where! So I did what any of us do when we feel something is wrong, I had a consult with Dr. Google. By any definition there was nothing wrong with us. Nothing to be concerned about. I have regular menstrual cycles. No cause for concern. It can take up to a year for normal, healthy couples to conceive. So we continued on as planned. I got an "app for that" and started logging my cycles. 1 year later.... still no baby. I was starting to get discouraged so i went to see my family doctor. She asked me about cycles and timing, did a PAP, and proceeded to tell me that everything was fine, and to try to use Ovulation Prediction Kits (OPKs) to pin point ovulation and be sure our timing is right. I left relieved and feeling like this was going to be the key!! 6 months into that, I was more discouraged than ever!! I felt like I was never getting a positive result, yet my period would show up right on time! I decided to go back to Dr. Google. I found some research on "pseudo-cycles" and annovulatory cycles. Basically you do not ovulate therefore you can not get pregnant. But you still have a withdrawal "bleed" that is often mistake for a normal period. I wasnt ready to admit defeat!! I decided that being over weight, maybe I should try to get healthy. I could be one of those women.. right? the ones who drop 30lbs and then get knocked up!! That could be me! Only that wasnt me. I dropped 30lbs and was still not getting a + result on the OPKS. We were nearing the 2 year mark of Trying To Conceive (TTC) and decided it was time to see a real OB and to figure out what was wrong. I got my diagnosis of PCOS in December of 2011. My OB, Dr Sams was pretty certain after a short questionnaire that this was my answer But we also confirmed the diagnosis with blood work and a ultrasound of my ovaries. I started treating with metformin for the Insulin resistance that is common with PCOS and a low dose fertility medication called femara. He wanted us to have my husband get a semen analysis as well. We had the SA done in January of 2012, and the results were not  good! But the Urologist who reviewed them gave us the "go ahead"and said that he felt that the numbers were "workable" We did 3 cycles of the 2.5mg femara with progesterone labs called p4's to confirm if ovulation was occurring. And it was!! and we were happy!! but still no baby. Dr. Sams decided after 3 tries, to up my dosage to 5mgs and to get a HSG right away. I couldnt tell you the big long word that HSG stands for. But I can tell you that its NO FUN! Its an x-ray where they insert a catheter into the cervix and run dye into the uterus and tubes to check for blockages or other issues. It hurt. but it came back all clear!
Dr Sams had told me that if my tubes were clear and the 5mg was not getting us improved p4 results (anything over 6 indicates ovulation but above 10 is required to assume healthy egg quality) then i would probably need a specialist. So after Aprils p4 not being what we needed to see, We consulted a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Tried a low tech IUI (intra-uterine insemination) also with no luck.
 CYCLE HISTORY (1-4 + 6 with OB) (5 + 7 on are alone or w/ RE)
First Cycle- 850mg Metformin & 2.5mg Femara = p4 12.3 = O but BFN
Second Cycle- 1700mg Met & 2.5mg Femara = p4 7.6 = O but BFN
Third Cycle- 1700mg Met & 2.5mg Femara= p4 8.4 = O but BFN
Forth Cycle- 1700mg Met & 5mg Femara = p4 10.2 = O but BFN
Fifth Cycle- 1700mg Met & 7.5mg Femara + IUI on 5-12-12 = BFN!!!
Sixth Cycle- 1700mg Met & 5mg femara=p4 7.35 = BFN
Seventh Cycle -1700mg Met & 200mg Soy CD5-9 TI @ Home. 1000mg Royal jelly = BFN Eighth Cycle- Met only. Med break. Annovulatory.
Nineth Cycle- Met only. Med Break. O on my own!!
Tenth Cycle- Met only. Med Break. Annovulatory
After 10 Cycles, we make it to November 2012. Thanks to my parents' help, we are able to afford an IUI with all the bells and whistles of ultrasound monitoring and injectable fertility medications. We started with 75iu injections of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) for 3 days. then went in for an "follicle scan" which is a vaginal ultrasound where the tech looks at your ovaries and counts "follicles" they measure them and watch for growth. Basically follicles grow on the ovaries, as the cycle progresses smaller ones die off but a few will keep growing. usually until there is 1 dominant one and that one will release an egg during ovulation. We had 3 scans and 2 good follicles. Did an HCG "trigger" which forces ovualtion of mature eggs. Had the IUI with a much better sample of the hubbys sperm. but 2 weeks later, still no baby!

Eleventh Cycle- Femara 5mg + Gonal F Injects and IUI = BFN

• needed 8 75iu injections (600iu total)
• had 2 good size follies, possible 3rd. and 27mil swimmers post wash.
• progesterone suppositories

So here we sit.... February of 2013....
3 years into TTC our first child. 11 cycles of fertility medications under our belts. 2 IUI's. One round of injectable meds. And still no baby. We plan to save up enough money to cover the cost of two more injectables + IUI cycles in a row before we proceed. Looking like were on a "med break" until August or so.


http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/376dc3  <--- my Fertility Friend Ovulation Chart