Before You Speak...

Im going to make a big assumption here, one that everyone actually "following" this little project of mine is either struggling with PCOS, or Infertility, or knows someone who is. And if you don't.... odds are you just don't KNOW about their struggle. Because 1 in 6 couples will have trouble conceiving. Just that more often than not, its a private matter that will never be brought to public attention. In the chance that you are speaking with a friend or family member who is struggling to get pregnant. Lets use some common sense and T.H.I.N.K:)

Is It True?  alot of times, the responses I get from others is full of myths that they have heard or complete nonsense that they made up. No, I will not get pregnant if I "relax". Relaxing does not grow follicles or induce ovulation. It also will not make my husbands sperm fertilize my eggs. Another gem, that simply is not true "Why don't you just adopt"..... well see.... we actually have considered adoption and im not sure where you got your information from. But there is not such thing as just adopting. It is a very long and tedious process. One where you can be turned down. It can take years. It can cost on average $25,000!! Most of which IS NOT refundable if the mother backs out after she delivers. And she CAN back out. So no hunny, I wont just run out to Baby Mart and bring home a poor motherless baby. Because that is not how the process works.

Is It Helpful?  sometimes people want to give advice even though they don't really have any useful information to give. No experience. No expertise. So the information is useless. "You should just get drunk and have sex" .... Really??? I had no idea that alcohol got people pregnant. Here me and my husband have been trying time intercourse at home for 3 years and we had no idea all we had to do was add booze into the mix!! That's really helpful!! said no infertile woman....ever. How about this one "Bobbie Sue lost 25lbs and got knocked up right away!!" --- Well, A) you just called me fat!! and B) not everyone has trouble conceiving because of weight. There are alot of larger ladies who get pregnant just fine. And alot of thin ladies who can't. There is no rule of thumb here so it is not helpful to imply weight is the issue.

Is It Inspiring? other times, the advice or the things people say, are well intended but they do not instill confidence in those of us in this struggle. "It will happen when it is meant to happen" or "In God's time" This is not a good thing to say because it implies that we are fighting a losing battle, we are rushing a process or trying to get to the finish line before the race is over. Some women I know are 40 years old and still trying to conceive child number one!! When is it naturally going to be her time? Will her PCOS or Endometriosis magically clear up when it is the right time? How was it the right time for her youngest niece who is only 15 and planning on quitting High School? Things like this do cross our minds. Those of us who are Christians or Religious in some way do struggle with God's Will. Things like this do not boost our faith.

Is It Necessary? a few of my favorites, when it is completely not necessary! Such as "just take my kids for the night! then you wont want any!" or "You don't really want to be tied down with kids anyways" The truth is, you don't know what anyone else wants and its not necessary for you to belittle a woman's desire to have children because yours are acting like hellions. It's not necessary for you to offer any advice at all. Its also not necessary for you to tell us how to get pregnant. I promise you, we are doing our research and our homework. By this point we've even tried the hokey stuff like elevating our hips after sex and having sex on a full moon just in case.

Is It Kind? this one should go without saying, but amazingly it doesn't. Things like "Maybe it's not meant to be" or "I guess God knew better" these statements are hateful and hurtful and should never be said to anyone. How about "You're too busy for a baby right now anyways!" this implies that the woman is not going to be a good mother if she ever has a baby. Ask yourself if you would appreciate being told or asked the same things. Would your feelings be hurt?

There are so many more things that i've been told that make me go "hmmmmmmmm" and want to strangle the person standing in front of me. Things that make me run to my TTC support group and rant with other ladies that understand. Just please, if you are going to offer anything to a friend or family member who has come to you about infertility.... Offer support! A shoulder to cry on! Spend more time listening than speaking! If you don't know what to say.... say that! "I dont know what to say" is perfectly acceptable!! Ask what you can do to help. But please, please, T.H.I.N.K before you speak..