It's Dark In Here.

Maybe its hormone's since I'm nearing the end of one cycle and the start of another. Maybe its the weather... so cold and rainy. Or maybe I'm depressed? But it's pretty dark in here right now. Ive noticed alot of changes in my over all attitude lately. And I'm trying really hard to stay peppy and to find things to be excited about. Trying to stay interested in weight loss and pre-occupy my mind with things like work, exercising, the blog and friends who are actively TTC right now. But it's not really working. And I really don't want a blog that's full of negative and sad entries and just please pity me type posts. I'm really not that kind of person. So, yesterday I didn't post at all.

When I first realized that having a baby was going to be hard for us, after a year or so, I just really wanted for anyone who wanted a baby to just PLEASE be able to have one!! Including me. But as the struggle continues, the lights start to dim. Suddenly jealousy hits a bit and you start to feel some resentment towards people who can easily get pregnant and its harder to be happy for them. People with multiple kids. People who weren't trying and accidentally get pregnant. Its hard to be around them. It hurts. A little dimmer still. But for the last year I have been able to take solace in a great group of ladies I met on the Soul Cysters forum and talk with alot on two Facebook groups. Women who are going through what I am. Who feel the same hurts and jealousies. Who wont judge me for my ugly thoughts! As the last year has past, we have seen alot of pregnancies, alot of losses, and alot of failed cycles. Its getting dark. Alot of family members, friends and Facebook acquaintances announcing pregnancies. A little darker. Time spent saving up for a expensive injection cycle. Borrowing money from my parents. Taking time off of work. Painful injections. Putting on a brave face. Allowing myself to get hopeful!! Seeing results!! Good swimmers... a light at the end of the tunnel!! Alot of tricky tests where we thought we saw a second line, and it ultimately ended in the start of a new cycle. Negative. And the lights went out.

I was able to put on a brave face for awhile. It's okay, really! We can just try again!! And i think that after a few weeks, even I was believing that. But we cant just try again. We cant try again until we can afford a $2000+ medical bill, paid up front, out of pocket. We cant just borrow more money. Or charge it. And insurance wont cover anything. Not one cent. The reality is, we cant try again so easily. And im not sure how long it will take us to save up the amount of money that we need. Preferably we need to have enough for 2 cycles in a row. That's $4000+ and with all the crap that comes up, we haven't be able to save anything at all. The next cycle is slipping father and farther away. Our next chance at a baby is moving farther and farther away. Its really dark in here. I dont like to go to my boards as often as I used to. Even there I cant find much solace. women who are still trying for a baby. Women who are doing things. taking meds, getting scan, seeing doctors, doing IUI's... even IVF. and here I sit. This is not a happy place! I'm not looking for pity... I know thats how this sounds. Just looking for the light...